Oddly enough I’m becoming more of a “Suzzy homemaker” than I ever imagined. Our new apartment with it’s new appliances has brought out the part of me that actually wants to clean. Yeah I still have my lazy days, afterall, cleaning up after teens who seem to find new ways to slack off can grind on everyone, but I’ve come a long way from where I was at the old place. I find myself, this moment, standing in the kitchen surrounded by new appliances wondering if there’s an easier way to wipe down the brushed stainless steel appliances without leaving weird discoloration steaks. The old me is laughing at, but proud of the new me.
Sex, I’m addicted. It’s my only true addiction. I’ve been addicted to sexual stimulation since I was little, I’ve confessed this already, but my first time having sex I was 18…that is a story for another day though.
Sex tends to completely dominate my life at times. From 18-21 (when I became pregnant with my son) I was very sexually active and with multiple partners. Becoming emotionally attached was hard for me, yes, the pork of being sexually abused at a young age, but I digress. If I’m not seeing someone then I masturbate, heck even when I’m seeing someone I’m self gratifying. I’m insatiable much of the time which is why multiple partners worked well for me.
My big confession tonight is that I have been denying myself sex with another person for going on a year now. It may seem insane, but it was a part of my healing process. I want more, a relationship that is a fit for both of us, to do that I need to be in control of my body and truly know what I need and what I can offer. It has truly helped and I feel like I truly know what I want and need from a partner. The problem is that things have become out of my control.
With my housing situation out of my hands, up in the air combined with a lack of income, I am spiraling mentally. I’ve been hiding in books. If it wasn’t for this blog I would be completely lost in my head ignoring my problems. As it is I’m losing myself to bdsm literotica and novels the past couple of weeks and seriously dehydration sets in each day. I can’t tell you how nice it would be to completely submit to a man or men so I no longer have to stress over my current worries.
This has never been my style, not 24/7 full submission. I know this is just me trying to escape this dragged out move and what I can’t control. I don’t know how to change this, but it’s getting old. Why can’t I throw myself into cleaning or some other project, why do I keep using sex as my escape, control in an uncontrolled state?
I won’t give in. No booty calls. No sex club (that’s a new thought I entertained). No more books. I need a new focus…
I have to give a shout out to one of my favorite vloggers on YouTube, Sary Fairy. Her creativity in self expression and body art to accentuate beauty is admirable. Her vlog is fun and full of positive messages, even addressing, at one point, comments claiming “it’s easy for you to be confident, you’re beautiful” and accusing her of lacking confidence and using makeup to hide behind (watch here).
I don’t know her life story, nor have I watched all of her videos, but whatever her history or reasons behind anything she does do not and should not matter to anyone but her; who isn’t covering something up? Confidence is an emotion, a feeling, if body art brings out your confidence then embrace it! We should all be confident in ourselves in whatever way comfortable.
So here is a big Finally Fixing Me shout out to Sary Fairy: Your beautiful as you so go on and Express Yourself girl!
To view and subscribe to Sary Fairy’s vlog visit https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXcsSjtT-h_XwBzyJGSKtAg