What’s been Hiding in plain sight?

There’s actually something about not having a car to drive on a regular basis that is freeing. I mean, yeah, it’s “good for our bodies” and “the environment” but there’s so much more to it. When you walk or ride buses you’re out there with other people. You see things that drivers tend to miss and share moments with people you never met. 

Today I hopped the bus, something I don’t typically enjoy on a Sunday (Sunday scheduled have you waiting am hour at times), but I had to take care of some things. So I get to the spot, handle business, and see I have 15 min to kill before that same bus leaves. I see this little fish and chips place chillin in the middle of basically nowhere, only restraunt there. Best fast food I’ve had in a long time, even the driver was droolin (yeah it’s cuties fav layover spot apparently). Crazy how this joints there, hiding but thriving all this time but I never noticed it cuz my car runs a different route. 

It’s like that though, it’s easy to hide and isolate yourself when you have your own house and car…while it’s nice getting from A-B-C quickly and without planning ahead it makes you wonder, what am I missing? 

Resolving problems, I’m better than this

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I’m feeling so much better today after last night’s vent, not that we’ve resolved or even discussed anything, but I took more steps today towards getting my own place and resolving this living situation. Finally, I got my housing voucher and now I’m waiting to hear back as I requested to port out so we are close to my son’s school. I can’t wait to be able to apartment hunt!! I’ve also decided to take my son and visit my mom next month, staying here long term just isn’t healthy so I won’t be back until housing needs me here to sign paperwork. Well, in the spirit of having to do what I have to do in order to keep from flashing, my son is off to stay the next 2 nights at his friends house and hit a water park. ๐Ÿ™‚ Fun times. I’m off to a concert Saturday and hopefully hanging with friends, I need a break and some pampering. Hmm maybe Sunday or monday I’ll take my son to a movie for some family time, I think we both need it.

I can’t let either of us succumb to other people’s attitudes and laziness, we are not them and need to rise above so we can’t be dragged down, and believe it’s getting us down. Oh man, that reminds me…I need to find a church.

Well, as you can tell I’m in a hurry. More later.

Bad time to be single

My sex drive is going bizurko! Seriously, I can’t get enough and I’m not even truly getting any! My anxiety level is ridiculous between the move, bills, taxes, and my son’s lack of participation in house and lessons; I need some real satisfying, more than I’m able to give myself. Or maybe I just need to re-channel my energy.

I found myself wanting to call my ex, he’s always down to be with me, but I can’t. His new roommate is a prostitute? escort? whatever and I know him too well; I know they are hooking up and he is not one to use protection. If I can’t trust someone to be clean then I can’t allow you in my body, even with a condom because those break. >sigh< Well, I guess I need to channel my frustrations because I won't comprise my standards, I don't have time to screen people, and I definitely don't want to go back any further in my past for candidates.

Sometimes it's hard being single, but I chose this.

A new reality, but how

I’m at this phase in my life where I’d rather live a fantasy. Hop a bus for nowhere, get a diner job, and marry Mr sexy good guy who sees me for the amazing, beautiful woman I am…
I’m tired of living my reality, I need a new reality. Is that even possible without making major change? If not then what change is truly needed?

This is on my mind; I need to explore this further.

Accentuating me, my new piercing

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Yay, I finally got to add a new piercing! I know you can’t tell from the pic but it’s a black heart with multi colour jewel…too cute IMO.

This little booger gave me a hard time, but I persisted and finally it all came together. Ok so it was partially my fault for buying needles from a new source and not realizing that the stud wouldn’t fit into the end to guide it through… I ended up putting the needle through twice, leaving it in my lip for 20 mins the 2nd time to make sure the front hole stayed open this time. It worked and boom, I’m loving it. I was going to do a hoop in my lip on the opposite side, but because I struggled with the labret stud I decided I will order a new needle next month that will guide the hoop in. Hey, it will give me time to for the swelling to go down.

This will be my first permanent lip piercing,  when I was younger I could never let my lip heal. My mom was not a fan of facial piercings so as a teen every piercing was fresh and removed before I entered the house. Heck, at some point I just started using a safety pin them fastening it and rocking that over the weekend.

I’m tired of hiding my art, my vision, in not working right now so why not act while I have time to heal. Piercings are beautiful. I am beautiful.

More piercings to come.

Dealing with surviving the home invasion

I just spent 2 hours in the bath overcome by memories of my past. These memories are a part of me, why I am who I am today, but sometimes I wonder just who that is. Usually I can reclaim these memories twisting them into something enjoyable and get off on them, but sometimes that backfires, like today.

Laying in the bath I remembered an incident when my son was about 6 months old. We lived in an apartment not far from who we thought was his dad (yeah, long story). Someone knocked on the door a little before my alarm went off, early morning. I went to the door thinking either it was my ex or someone at the wrong door. The peep hole sucked as they usually do and I couldn’t decipher if it was my ex and his friend or not so I asked who it was. Someone said their name and that they were looking for JC. My dumbass cracked the door to tell them that J is 2 doors down…they forced their way in gun and all.

Up against the wall one told me to take off my shirt (it was all that covered me aside from panties). I’m not sure if I tried to distract them with talk or if I just stood there, but I do remember my alarm going off and my dread as my son awoke. They were distracted, demanding to know who’s there and fully on guard. Finally they let me get my son who was in my bed and I sat cuddling him as they paced. I don’t know what all they were doing probably filling a bag, but eventually I came out to make a bottle…I never sat my son down the entire time.

God is great and guided me, my words and all. I didn’t know these guys, but I knew them. Gangstas, gone off the wet, and I knew what color they claimed which narrowed down what set they were. I had an idea that my old roommate, ex, and friends might know them too. I dropped my friends street names casually as they fit into conversation, thinking maybe they were from the same set. I had to let them know I’m not a threat, make them see me as a someone who should be protected instead of an outsider. I tried to give them an out before any damage or irreversible crime was truly committed…leave before it’s too late.

It worked on one of them. He actually told the other they shouldn’t be there, something about me being down or a friend of _ set (yes, they knew the names even though my friends didn’t know them by name). Unfortunately the other one was too gone off the wet to care, he was on a mission with a crazed look in his eye and he was the one calling the shots. The nicer one never left me alone with the crazy one after that.

Like I said, God is great. It felt like hours but was probably less than a half before they left. There was one moment that truly scared me more than when they first burst in, it was when crazy joined us all in my son’s room. Things weren’t going as planned for him. Most of my belongings were still packed in boxes, his friend wasn’t helping much, and knowing what I know now things weren’t where they should be outside either. He was losing it, at one point pointed the gun toward my son and I and started talking about fvcking me, ordering me to take his friend to the bed. Somehow the nicer one intervened distracting him. Not long later they were leaving, crazy ordering me to count to (I forget how high) before calling the police and the other one apologizing. They left me utterly confused and scared they would come back busting through my windows, but after a few minutes I called the police and then my job.

I won’t go into the trial following all of this, nor will I speak more on their sentencing etc. but I will say that there is no 6 degrees of separation when you date/associate with specific populations…in my case it’s more like 3 degrees if your lucky. Mr. crazy reached out to me before trial through his kin folk whom I had just started seeing. Yeah…

What messes me up about all of this is not the fact that it happened or that I couldn’t stop it, but that I have fvcked up emotions and fantasies about it. From the moment I saw him I was attracted to the nice one. I wanted him to walk out the door so we could talk again another time. When he told me he wished we had met under different circumstances I wanted to say “you and me both” while a twisted piece of me was like “it’s not too late sugar.” Who thinks like that?!?! Yeah, I have issues…like I said, at that time in my life these were my type of guys, my people, even the crazy one. But Mr. Nice never manned up enough to ever deserve me.

So I spent 2 hours in the bath reliving it all plus some, feeling grimy because I found myself wondering and borderline fantasizing what would happen if crazy and nice had raped me. Worse yet I even entertained using sex to manipulate the whole situation and then a fantasy grew from that. I couldn’t enjoy it though because under it all I felt extremely blessed to survive the whole thing and lose little, I was so scared they’d rape me or to call police because it could lead to my son getting harmed. For me to fantasize or retain any other action felt like a slap in the face to God and the blessed outcome and helpย  during this horrible event.

What is wrong with me!?! I know it’s normal try to own uncontrollable events, but this is crazy! No part of me enjoyed the situation or wanted to be trapped so why even consider this crap soooo many years later??

Mirrors lie weight loss challenge

As I look in the mirror and contemplate my next hairstyle and possibly color as I’m not sure this one will make it past another week, I realize just how badly I need to lose weight. It’s funny how you see yourself daily but it isn’t until you start snapping pics to see how shorter hair will look that you see how fat your face is, especially that double chin. Seriously, I barely recognize myself!

So I challenge myself and anyone reading, for the next 2 weeks to do 50 of each: push ups, crunches, and lying side crunches (each side). Also 3 sets of 3-min rounds of cardio (treadmill, elliptical, cycle, walk, run, jump rope…). In 2 weeks we increase. This was my workout routine when my son boxed, it works.

Let me know how it goes, I will. We can do this!

Haunted goodbyes

Is there a clinical term for overwhelmed and not motivated? I know I should be packing and purging, but I don’t want to leave the couch and fireplace to even get the laundry to fold. Ok, I made myself do that and other basics in household maintenance, but I had to MAKE myself which is not right.

Yeah there’s some depression and a lot of avoidance happening right now and most of it is surrounding the move. We’ve lived here almost all of my son’s life, about 13 years. We have so many memories here, both good and bad, it’s hard to say goodbye.

Typically I enjoy moving but what makes this different is that it is severely affecting my son. His friends, activities, and memories are here. He is upset, withdrawn, and showing it like guys do…”nothing’s wrong” then shutting himself away. Watching this affect him makes it hard on me. I busted my ass to ensure he had a stable home to grow up in, even remaining here when I wanted to run away from memories because I knew it was more important to give my son stability. Now I can’t even give him one lat summer let alone his high school years.

Maybe I’m feeling like a failure because I can’t afford the rent hike. Even so, I would refuse to pay $1650 for this small place. I guess I just don’t like to know I can’t swing something even if I chose not to pay in the end; it’s having the option to not stay due to the increase instead of having the decision made for me.

Then there’s having to go through things and purging. I still have things of my dad’s that I’ve stored away and things of his that are in use that need to be given away. I’m not thrilled about the memories that going through things will bring. Baby clothes saved for the 2nd child that I would never have. Baggage.

I have 2-3 months to get through this, I need to step up. I can do this. Maybe it’s a good thing we have to move, it’s time I let go. Make a list, table one room at a time before moving on.

Just 1 more night vegging then I start on the first room.

This will pass, but my example is forever

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It’s easy to complain, heck it’s even easy to survive when that’s who you are and what you do, but it is hard as hell to stop thinking and plotting until the situations resolved or passes.

It’s an internal battle right now, 1:30 AM, trying to resolve my situation without crossing into the grey or shadows. God is it hard, but my son needs me to do this, no crossing over, and that is all that matters.

Life goes on. What matters is how we go on and that we get through it together. No car, no house…it’s only temporary; my example is permanent.