Quick update, it’s good

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, the job is going great! I’m about 3 months in and am already working as cashier and now the customer service desk (returns, returns, returns). I am also a go to when it comes to those shady customers trying to scam us for gift cards, I love to make their transactions difficult 🙂

Things are going well and I’m ready enjoying having money to spend, maybe a little too much. I’ve splurged a bit each check. New patio table, pictures for the house, clothes, even a kitchen garbage can…it feels great. I’ve even managed to put money away for car repairs and vacation, but what makes me feel the best is sending money with my son when he’s out with friends. 

The only thing that bugs me is that my son is home so many nights alone. He’s been spending time at his aunts and friends and it makes me feel bad that he’s having to rely on them for homeless dinner and company. I need to figure out a better meal plan and adjust my availability after my probationary period is over. I know he’s ok but when you’ve had a depressed kiddo you can’t stop being concerned with their mental state. Ah I feel another post in the making.

All in all things are going well.

Bad time to be single

My sex drive is going bizurko! Seriously, I can’t get enough and I’m not even truly getting any! My anxiety level is ridiculous between the move, bills, taxes, and my son’s lack of participation in house and lessons; I need some real satisfying, more than I’m able to give myself. Or maybe I just need to re-channel my energy.

I found myself wanting to call my ex, he’s always down to be with me, but I can’t. His new roommate is a prostitute? escort? whatever and I know him too well; I know they are hooking up and he is not one to use protection. If I can’t trust someone to be clean then I can’t allow you in my body, even with a condom because those break. >sigh< Well, I guess I need to channel my frustrations because I won't comprise my standards, I don't have time to screen people, and I definitely don't want to go back any further in my past for candidates.

Sometimes it's hard being single, but I chose this.

Progress amidst distractions

The day can wait, there’s a Back to the Future marathon on today and I’m on the last one.

Hey guys, I’ve not posted much in the last week or so, not much going on. I’ve gotten a couple of drafts started here exploring my feelings on some things and my past, but my head just isn’t in it. I’ve even picked up boxes and started packing some, yes progress is being made.

So there was some good news this week, I was put on the wait list for a few townhouse apartments and got a call about an opening in June for one of them. Unfortunately I couldn’t jump on it, but it was good to know that I may not be couch during long this summer. I know you’re probably wondering why I declined, but I had good reason. For one I receive housing assistance and in order to move to another county I have to pay off all my utility bills which skyrocket during the winter so I need to use my money for this and then focus on saving a deposit. Two, it takes time to transfer the assistance to another county and I have no idea how long that will take if I’m not moving until July 1…you know apartments won’t want to hold the place more than a few weeks. So that is why I declined, I actually have my priorities in order and need to stick to them.

With things starting to fall in place I decided some family time and retail therapy was in order. I know I should have saved the money, but my son needed new shoes again and I needed a break. I have to say it was well worth it!

Well back to my show. Hope your weekend beautiful and you have a moment of fun.

Haunted goodbyes

Is there a clinical term for overwhelmed and not motivated? I know I should be packing and purging, but I don’t want to leave the couch and fireplace to even get the laundry to fold. Ok, I made myself do that and other basics in household maintenance, but I had to MAKE myself which is not right.

Yeah there’s some depression and a lot of avoidance happening right now and most of it is surrounding the move. We’ve lived here almost all of my son’s life, about 13 years. We have so many memories here, both good and bad, it’s hard to say goodbye.

Typically I enjoy moving but what makes this different is that it is severely affecting my son. His friends, activities, and memories are here. He is upset, withdrawn, and showing it like guys do…”nothing’s wrong” then shutting himself away. Watching this affect him makes it hard on me. I busted my ass to ensure he had a stable home to grow up in, even remaining here when I wanted to run away from memories because I knew it was more important to give my son stability. Now I can’t even give him one lat summer let alone his high school years.

Maybe I’m feeling like a failure because I can’t afford the rent hike. Even so, I would refuse to pay $1650 for this small place. I guess I just don’t like to know I can’t swing something even if I chose not to pay in the end; it’s having the option to not stay due to the increase instead of having the decision made for me.

Then there’s having to go through things and purging. I still have things of my dad’s that I’ve stored away and things of his that are in use that need to be given away. I’m not thrilled about the memories that going through things will bring. Baby clothes saved for the 2nd child that I would never have. Baggage.

I have 2-3 months to get through this, I need to step up. I can do this. Maybe it’s a good thing we have to move, it’s time I let go. Make a list, table one room at a time before moving on.

Just 1 more night vegging then I start on the first room.

Yay, New black shirts

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I don’t buy myself new clothes often so I am totally ecstatic, I got a new pack of Hanes shirts (undershirt style, nothing feels better)!! I know that they don’t look like much, but this is a gift far beyond all of those fancy shmancy tops people expect women to wear; these are comfy and badass when they fit just right. My only complaint is that they don’t sell them in a 4 pack of all black. Oh well, I’ll dye the grey ones.

I’m kind of bummed, I had to go up a size so it has room to shrink down for that nice fit. Motivation to lose weight though.

I feel good, nothing like comfy new shirts.

 

BTW, sorry for the bathroom pic (it’s not my bathroom).

The journey begins

Has it really been a year since I started this blog? It seems like I haven’t gotten very far, but I’m sure there are some small things if I think about it. There are just so many emotions to dig through and far more distractions.

Distractions, always so welcome.

I did start deciding last year and made a lot of progress…then distraction. My sister and her family came to stay with us for about 6 months. Hmm, maybe that was more like a setback in ways and trigger to other issues I need to work on. It’s real hard to progress in cleaning and decluttering when there are 6 people living on top of each other in a not-so-big 2 bedroom with no storage space.

Of course, once my family moved out relief set in. After rearranging the common areas loneliness set in. It’s so quiet when it’s just 2 people and my son’s a teen so it’s not like he’s around much, and it sucks cooking for just 2. I’ve found myself retreating to books the past month or so, I’ve become neglectful of some of my responsibilities. Not good.

One good thing about books is that they make you think and I have truly been doing a lot of that lately. There are some new developments that are forcing me to confront the past and think about what I really want. It is very difficult, I already struggle to shut my brain down to sleep. How can I truly envision my future if I keep ignoring my past? How can I overcome what’s holding me back if I am not host with myself?

It is time. I must do this. I’m so glad I rediscovered my screen name, I can’t keep this all in my head.

Distractions

Some days I want to throw all electronic devices out, other days I wish we still used pagers and internet want at our finger tips 24/7. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing I will find myself checking my phone and not even knowing why. Habits don’t require thought, just action. I know I’m not the only one, I see people do it all the time, at work, driving, on the street, we are all obsessed.

I wish I could say the kids have it worse, but really, the adults are just as bad, the big difference is most adults get their work done too. Ok well our paid work. Today I was suppose to clean, but I found myself researching numerous things for an upcoming doctor appt and such that could have waited. Like I said before, there’s always an excuse. I really do need to make a list tomorrow and reward myself as I accomplish each goal. The good news is I am prepared for the appointments and the upcoming meeting with the school, the downside is I have pulled things out as I clean and purge and they are sitting here waiting for me to pull out together and move them to their new room.

Yup, tomorrow is it , I can’t look at this stuff out of place much longer. I need that rush of accomplishment, maybe I will reward myself by shopping for paint for the living room. Crap, no, I’m already distracting myself.

Fresh start, same city?

Is it possible to have a fresh start while still living in the same house in the same town full of the same people?

This is my dilemma. I love my town, semi big city with lots to do and lots of options. My rental is nice, affordable, I won’t find even an apartment at this price within 30 miles, maybe more. The problem is that it is full of ghosts, so many memories that are holding me back.

There have been many times where I wanted to pack everything up and move, I really feel that it would help. Unfortunately, the economy recovered and rental rates skyrocketed and have not come down, this would push us far from our beloved city. If it was just me this wouldn’t be a big deal, but my son is 13 and has a life here. His non-traditional education program is here and we are surrounded by community based arts programs here which offer scholarships and lots of opportunities for middle and high-speed, everything from wood working to refined art skills.

I know that I haven’t give a background yet, but the access to all of these things as well as being within a few hours drive of my family (including extended family) is very important. My son had a horrible time in school and maintaining friends. Since we pulled him from traditional school to homeschool and use alternative non traditional programs he has blossomed. He has strong interests and access to facilities that will help him develop those skills. He has also made a few really good friends right here in our neighborhood. For the average kid it isn’t much to make be friends when you move, but for mine it will have triple the emotional impact.

***sigh*** yes, this is a part of my problem, always putting my son’s needs above my own.

I have so many conflicting thoughts when it comes to moving, I will have to keep my eyes open and keep thinking things through. I’ll keep you posted.