Quick update, it’s good

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, the job is going great! I’m about 3 months in and am already working as cashier and now the customer service desk (returns, returns, returns). I am also a go to when it comes to those shady customers trying to scam us for gift cards, I love to make their transactions difficult 🙂

Things are going well and I’m ready enjoying having money to spend, maybe a little too much. I’ve splurged a bit each check. New patio table, pictures for the house, clothes, even a kitchen garbage can…it feels great. I’ve even managed to put money away for car repairs and vacation, but what makes me feel the best is sending money with my son when he’s out with friends. 

The only thing that bugs me is that my son is home so many nights alone. He’s been spending time at his aunts and friends and it makes me feel bad that he’s having to rely on them for homeless dinner and company. I need to figure out a better meal plan and adjust my availability after my probationary period is over. I know he’s ok but when you’ve had a depressed kiddo you can’t stop being concerned with their mental state. Ah I feel another post in the making.

All in all things are going well.

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Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day everyone! 
We celebrated our mother-son bond last night with delicious restaurant Mexican food and a movie, Fate of the Furious. Such a wonderful time. My son bough me a Cinnamon Roll scented candle and I bought myself a picture for the living room and a smaller round folding tale for the patio so we can play cards on it this summer. It feels so good to have money again, a place to be where I’m helping others, and a son that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I also spoke with my mom and will celebrate her next month with a visit, God willing.
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Special moments

Special moments, I don’t get many of these with my son now that he’s going on 16, so when I do they stand out and fill my heart. Tonight I came home from work extremely sore due to my Achilles tendinitis, my son had done everything I had asked of him. From the dishes to mopping I had very little left to do and most of that could wait. I started cooking dinner, our homemade and far better version of Cheeseburger Mac, when my son appears and takes over browning and seasoning the beef. He had me assist some but for the most part it was him cooking dinner. It felt heavenly to be able to sit and relax a bit and it’s a relief seeing him work so hard to show support of me going back to work, a move that benefits him greatly. 🙂 Since I started back working my son has truly transformed into a supportive young man and as I sit here I’m tearing up from the joy and pure love I feel. I love him so much. Thank you Lord.

More surprises

It’s the little things, right? My son was supposed to go with a friend after school today so I took a much needed day of relaxation which included pajamas until after 4. Of course he would show up with his a different friend parading through the house right after school. He came home to give me a surprise, an Easter lily he selected for me!! 💜💜💜 this guy! He meLted my heart, all I could do was hug him and thank him. Sometimes he has a way of balancing out the previous months.

So excited, preparing for work!

It’s almost Wednesday, why is the week going so slowly?!?! I have orientation for my new job on Monday, then find out my schedule. I so can’t wait! Why do I have to wait?! Very few people in my life know me well, well the old me, the me who enjoys working and getting paid. Heck, they don’t even know the me that loves Nike’s and coats, eating out and dining with friends; this girl has been hidden and denied too long.

It’s amazing how simply accepting a job has boosted my mood and confidence. It’s hard living life making ends meet but not having anything left to spend on fun…one can only do the same free things so many times before it no longer feels fun. Five years and I feel like I’m starting a new life, almost like leaving home for the first time. 

Today I bought a shirt for my first day and can’t wait to shop for another. Tomorrow I plan to hang our big white board and set it up to operate as our command center, with me being gone so much my son will need a place to look so he knows what will need to be done and a place to communicate (hold our notes) so we don’t forget. I don’t know what my schedules will look like but I do know opening and closing shifts are going to happen, this means pre-planning dinners and emphasising cooking lessons with my son are a must. I know he’d be happy if I gave him money to eat out most nights, but what’s the point in working if all the money goes to eating out. I feel so bad leaving him to his own devices, and a bit scared, but he’s almost 16 and knows how to manage and what’s expected, even if he chooses to not fulfill expectations 🙂 Funny, I never worried about him being home alone when he was younger, but then he just layed around playing games, now he hops buses and chills with friends…I guess me being here doesn’t make that big of a difference in what he does, huh? Until girls are involved at least.

Ok, so I wrote this back in September and forgot to publish it. We’ve come so far, but God the freshman struggle is real!

I’m a stressed out mess. My son just started high school, between him adjusting to expectations and workloads and balancing life my stomach is in constant knots. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m done! I broke out the ACV tonight, it’s time to reset my system. 

Guess who finally got out!!

I finally did it, this week I focused on me! Ok more accurately I treated myself for a change and no it wasn’t a shopping trip. Last weekend I met up with a friend from middle and high school to see her daughter’s rock band perform. It’s one of those rock camps, but damn some of those kids have major talent and her daughter is one of them!

My friend and I had a drink before the show, but didn’t get to visit much which is what happens every year. To my surprise she texted me to plan a day to go out for drinks at this bar down the street with live music. Our plans for Friday feel through, but Saturday we met up. It was a fucking blast! Seriously the drinks were strong and the band was hot how much better can it get? Lol ok add in the free drink that one of the sound guys bought us (which was all rum with a small splash of coke) and that was the perfect end to our reunion.

The next day I took my son out to eat and to the movies. It’s been ages since I’ve done this and long overdue. We saw Suicide Squad and Lights out (movie hopping is the only way to justify the cost isn’t it?).  It felt so good to spend time just the 2 of us, I need to make sure we do so more often.

I have been neglecting a big part of myself for too long. I ask so happy I’m finally taking action and growing my friends and getting the heck out the house doing things I enjoy. I know the funds aren’t there to go all out, but little things here and there make a big difference. I feel so light and renewed.

Passive aggressive b.s. vent

Grrr…what is wrong with people?!?! Just because I am inhabiting your house doesn’t mean you get to sneak around passively grounding my son from things!! Seriously, I’m right fucking here and nothing had happened to cut off his internet access (which he uses to stream music to sleep at night), why do you keep doing shit like this!! And seriously stop tying to act like you did it by mistake when you just told us you shut it off when we first asked! I’m so tired of passive aggressive bs and half truths, you’re his fucking aunt, not his mom, and you have no clue how to raise kids or teens just look at your kids.

I SO need my own fucking house!!!

When your past repeats in your child’s present

The one thing that I was scared of when it came to having a child is someone harming him. This included taking away their choices, making life decisions for them. I swore I would never let the person who handed my child ever get away with it the way my parents did. My past would not repeat in him.

And then it did…

He was 10, lived on the next block, and a pretty nice kid who seemed a little lost, lonely. My son was 8, and met him during the rainy part of fall just before winter. They became friends quickly, hung out at my house (because I don’t trust outsiders), played hot wheels and video games. We had busy schedules and were not home much so having someone to play with when we were was a treat for my son.

One night my son asked if his friends could stay the night. I had no issues with that. I set them up in his room, separate covers, but in his bed. I went up after a while to check on them, making sure they get some sleep…I couldn’t believe what I saw and flipped the f@#! out!! The friend was kissing on my son, his ear and neck and touching him where no 8 year old should be touched. I went off!!

I’m not proud of my language or words, but seriously it took everything I had not to throw him out the 2nd story window!! I told my son to get right and go to my room and the other boy to sit his ass on the bed until I came back. I then went downstairs to calm and think. My boyfriend at the time wasn’t much help, he actually pissed me off more by being so calm which made me wonder about him (we broke up shortly after). It was late, the boys parents had no phone so I couldn’t buzz their apt, he would have to stay the night.

I calmed enough to think, remembering innocent exploration and reminding myself the boys older and from a messed up home life so there might be more going on with him. I went upstairs to converse with the friend. He was scared and embarrassed, but he talked.  I apologized for my reaction and explained to him why I was upset, how they, especially my son, are too young to be engaging in this type of activity and how it betrayed my trust and rules. He seemed to understand that.

I asked if anyone had done this to or with him before and he said yes, the guy was a couple years older than him. He said he really likes my son, turns out he’s had a big crush on him (my son is a cutie). I felt bad for him. I was no longer mad at him, but knew he could not be around my son anymore. We spoke more, he was very aware of sex, how it worked, and homosexuality…he’d already recognized his preferences. I explained, bottom line, that my son is too young and off limits completely until he is way older; I even explained statutory laws. I explained that my son knew at that time nothing about sexual preference or even how to have sex (sheltered to a point and not interested in general yet). I let the kid sleep in my son’s room, my son in mine.

My son was open and honest, he had no idea what was going on when his friend started all of that. He said he didn’t want to lose him as a friend so he didn’t hit him or stop him. It was heart breaking. What should have been a nice sleepover with a friend ended up stripping away what was left of his innocence and losing him a friendship.

I told the boys dad and let him know that I hope the best for his son, but he is no longer to be around my son…I still see them around, but just in passing.

That night my whole perspective changed as did my worry. I no longer focused on sheltering him, but on empowering him, teaching him how to defend himself, to say no, and about what being a friend means and how to decipher when someone isn’t a good fit for your life. It scared me that he couldn’t say no. What’s worse, I feared that my son’s sexuality had been decided by that one boy in that one moment before my son ever had a chance to know his true heart. Six years later and I still am not convinced it hasn’t caused some confusion.

This will pass, but my example is forever

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It’s easy to complain, heck it’s even easy to survive when that’s who you are and what you do, but it is hard as hell to stop thinking and plotting until the situations resolved or passes.

It’s an internal battle right now, 1:30 AM, trying to resolve my situation without crossing into the grey or shadows. God is it hard, but my son needs me to do this, no crossing over, and that is all that matters.

Life goes on. What matters is how we go on and that we get through it together. No car, no house…it’s only temporary; my example is permanent.