Finding motivation update

Hey y’all, quick check-in after an tiresome few days.

Things are going ok. My son has had some very early morning commitments that I needed to attend with him so I’ve been napping a few hours each day then sleeping a few hours each night before starting again; it’s draining but we rose to the challenge. Yay us.

On top of low energy I am really beginning to feel the crunch of having to move. I keep stalling using my lack of boxes as an excuse, but in all reality I cannot stall anymore. It’s all coming to a head and I don’t have a choice but to get over it and move on. My neighbor is moving the end of this month and watching him sell off his belongings has not been easy. I’m trying to use it as motivation for me to do the same but I’m not quite there yet. I’m really going to miss my neighborhood.

With all of this taxi riding and napping laziness happening I forced myself to get out for a but today. I walked the mile to Grocery Outlet and hoped the bus home due to the heavy bags, but later I pushed myself to walk the mile round trip to a a corner store for a drink. It was so sunny, warm and nice, it felt great to get out. On the plus side I can see in my face that I am losing weight 🙂

Oh, piercing update: my lip is healing and looking good. My inner lip was pretty chewed up from the labret investing with the swelling, but the indent is now closing up since switching to the smaller lip ring (16g and a diameter that almost hugs my lip). I’m feeling good and think I will be piercing my nose soon, but first my hair needs attention.

Any fun stories from your week? Please share, I could use a smile.

Spring sun and plans = progress

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There is something about the spring sunshine that invigorates me. Just seeing it outside of my window energizes me. I have made even more progress on the house today and have clear goals laid out to accomplish before The Walking Dead comes on tonight. I can do this! I will be packed to move (daily necessities aside) by the end of the month then I can focus on the move out cleaning and giving/selling what I don’t get rid of this month. God knows I have a ton of boxes soured in the closet that need sorting after I’ve packed, almost 15 years of memories and hidden clutter that need new homes. For now I focus on what I see daily that I absolutely know will be going with us and what absolutely won’t. If I don’t break it down in these focuses then I will not make progress, it’s to overwhelming. I know by the end of the month I will have a box or 2 of thing that I just couldn’t decide on keeping and hope to just donate that box. It’s amazing how much accumulated when you don’t move for almost 14 years.

Here’s to a plan and steps to accomplishing it. Cheers

Success, progress made!!

Success!! I managed to reach a couple of goals today 🙂 I made it to the grocery store, made 2 separate Buy Nothing pick ups and even got exercise!! Oh I even cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. Yay me!

Since I had done more riding in vehicles today than walking I chose to walk to my last Buy Nothing pick up which was just under a mile away. It was a very nice walk. The return home was a little challenging as I had 2 garbage bags full of boys size 18 jeans, luckily after a while your hands go somewhat numb. I do have to say waking with garbage bags down a main street in the dark is a somewhat humbling experience as the first assumption people seem to have is that you’re a “bag lady.”

Today was definitely another good day!

Side note: if you have not gotten into the Buy Nothing movement you should look into it. They are local Facebook groups across the U.S. with the goal of bringing neighbors together. It’s a giving group and sooo awesome!

Secrets revealed

I was molested at age 4, I spoke of this before, how his actions and lies affected my self esteem and friendships. Unfortunately this wasn’t all it affected.

Although I don’t remember any penetration or pleasure from his random finger follies, the experience unlocked a fascination and curiosity that should not exist for many more years. I’m not sure what age it started, but by 7 I had discovered the pleasure that one little nub could bring. Bath time was never the same. And then I got older and probing added that much more. And that is how I put myself to sleep many nights.

This was my secret, nobody knows of this. It’s not something you speak of even to your best friend. Hell, I was already an outcast because of my molester, imagine how people would think of me knowing this. No, nobody else would be able to use my experiences against me.

Show and touch, the start of my problems

When I was 4-5 years old, an older neighborhood boy molested me. At first it was like show me and I’ll show you, but he couldn’t stop touching. In reflection he really didn’t have much idea what he was doing, he tried to finger my “pee hole” (lol I was 4). Because of the pain from touching the wrong hole and his constant harassment I finally confided in my grandma.

I won’t forget that night. We had gone out for dinner, my parents and grandparents, and as we were getting out of the van I whispered my secret to my grandma. I don’t remember exact details, but there was a lot of questions by my family and lots of talk after I went to bed. The next day my parents walked over to his house and spoke with his parents.

I’m not sure what the kids parents did from there, but I don’t think they did much. I, however, was ban from socializing with him. My parents informed a few other parents as to what happened since their daughters were around my age and played with him as well. I was relieved to know that he wouldn’t be able to bug me anymore, what I didn’t know was that he would flip my world upside down.

I was young, somewhat shy, but was friends with all of the neighborhood kids. We were always hanging out, playing on my swing set, even started a club. After I told on that boy many of the kids stopped playing with me. I was heartbroken. It sucked being sent home when he would show up at someone’s house and to have people tell me I was making things up because he said I was. At 5 was too innocent to know how to contend with this. I started sneaking and lying to my parents, not telling them he was at my friends houses and even at 7 telling my parents that I was going to play video games with his sister when really it was him. I usually got caught.

As you can see this went on for years, in reality he badmouthed me to people throughout my teens even. My self-esteem plummeted, my friends disappeared until it was just me and 2 other girls in the neighborhood against the rest. I became very shy, angry, and insecure. This all carried over to school and other aspects of my life, of course I’m still discovering just how much. The results of this small, semi-innocent encounter at such a young innocent age is the root of so many of my problems. How could this 1 boy have completely changed me and my future?