Guess who finally got out!!

I finally did it, this week I focused on me! Ok more accurately I treated myself for a change and no it wasn’t a shopping trip. Last weekend I met up with a friend from middle and high school to see her daughter’s rock band perform. It’s one of those rock camps, but damn some of those kids have major talent and her daughter is one of them!

My friend and I had a drink before the show, but didn’t get to visit much which is what happens every year. To my surprise she texted me to plan a day to go out for drinks at this bar down the street with live music. Our plans for Friday feel through, but Saturday we met up. It was a fucking blast! Seriously the drinks were strong and the band was hot how much better can it get? Lol ok add in the free drink that one of the sound guys bought us (which was all rum with a small splash of coke) and that was the perfect end to our reunion.

The next day I took my son out to eat and to the movies. It’s been ages since I’ve done this and long overdue. We saw Suicide Squad and Lights out (movie hopping is the only way to justify the cost isn’t it?).  It felt so good to spend time just the 2 of us, I need to make sure we do so more often.

I have been neglecting a big part of myself for too long. I ask so happy I’m finally taking action and growing my friends and getting the heck out the house doing things I enjoy. I know the funds aren’t there to go all out, but little things here and there make a big difference. I feel so light and renewed.

Bad time to be single

My sex drive is going bizurko! Seriously, I can’t get enough and I’m not even truly getting any! My anxiety level is ridiculous between the move, bills, taxes, and my son’s lack of participation in house and lessons; I need some real satisfying, more than I’m able to give myself. Or maybe I just need to re-channel my energy.

I found myself wanting to call my ex, he’s always down to be with me, but I can’t. His new roommate is a prostitute? escort? whatever and I know him too well; I know they are hooking up and he is not one to use protection. If I can’t trust someone to be clean then I can’t allow you in my body, even with a condom because those break. >sigh< Well, I guess I need to channel my frustrations because I won't comprise my standards, I don't have time to screen people, and I definitely don't want to go back any further in my past for candidates.

Sometimes it's hard being single, but I chose this.

Death and rebirth

I always feel torn. Torn between family and freedom, fun and responsibility, myself and my kid, right and wrong, God and my desires…I have so many internal conflicts, I know they manifest externally and are holding me back.

I have always heard that a person’s house or appearance is a reflection of them. I always thought this referred to their taste and style, but now I see it is deeper, it is a reflection of their internal self. In my case I’m a mess of conflicts as a result my house is as well. It’s “lived in,” appears somewhat orderly but there is mess within the order with a bunch of stuff shoved away to be dealt with, but never gotten to.

I know that I let my looks go somewhat after my ex was killed. I gained weight, stopped wearing make up, and I don’t put much into my clothes or hair. I know I did this semi consciously at first, I hated guys hitting on me and got tired of rejecting them and explaining why (to myself more than them). I let myself go so that I didn’t have to keep thinking about moving on with someone else. Maybe I did the same with my house, it takes the choice out of my hands.

My house has ties to my ex. I met him on my front porch, he was at his God sister’s party who just so happened to be my neighbor. We clicked, spent the whole night on the phone. I made him wait 6 months before I agreed to see him again, but we talked daily. We were virtually inseparable, he loved my son and I so much and constantly took us out. Chuck E Cheese and the park to watch the boats and talk became or routine with family and other fun mixed in. I would have married him, he’s the only one I ever felt like that about. He even asked me once, not officially a proposal, but he asked and I said not yet, we hadn’t been together long and for me marriage is for life. I told him one day, yes, but for now let’s keep getting to know each other. Eventually we broke up, he felt rejected and drifted eventually. We moved on, things were ok even though I missed him. We had just reunited not long before he was attacked.

Knowing that he was no longer in this world killed me, it was completely different from moving on from a break up, you can’t rebound and fill that void. It’s like wet sand, no matter how much you try to clear away to fill with something different the sand will keep refilling to quickly.

Many years have passed. I’ve healed in many ways, but now I’m stalled. Where do I go from here? I’m ready to move forward, to re-imurge, but I’m holding myself back. I need reclaim my house, my looks, my confidence, and move forward somehow carrying the love he had for me instead of the baggage.