Confessions

Sex, I’m addicted. It’s my only true addiction. I’ve been addicted to sexual stimulation since I was little, I’ve confessed this already, but my first time having sex I was 18…that is a story for another day though.

Sex tends to completely dominate my life at times. From 18-21 (when I became pregnant with my son) I was very sexually active and with multiple partners. Becoming emotionally attached was hard for me, yes, the pork of being sexually abused at a young age, but I digress. If I’m not seeing someone then I masturbate, heck even when I’m seeing someone I’m self gratifying. I’m insatiable much of the time which is why multiple partners worked well for me.

My big confession tonight is that I have been denying myself sex with another person for going on a year now. It may seem insane, but it was a part of my healing process. I want more, a relationship that is a fit for both of us, to do that I need to be in control of my body and truly know what I need and what I can offer. It has truly helped and I feel like I truly know what I want and need from a partner. The problem is that things have become out of my control.

With my housing situation out of my hands, up in the air combined with a lack of income, I am spiraling mentally. I’ve been hiding in books. If it wasn’t for this blog I would be completely lost in my head ignoring my problems. As it is I’m losing myself to bdsm literotica and novels the past couple of weeks and seriously dehydration sets in each day. I can’t tell you how nice it would be to completely submit to a man or men so I no longer have to stress over my current worries.

This has never been my style, not 24/7 full submission. I know this is just me trying to escape this dragged out move and what I can’t control. I don’t know how to change this, but it’s getting old. Why can’t I throw myself into cleaning or some other project, why do I keep using sex as my escape, control in an uncontrolled state?

I won’t give in. No booty calls. No sex club (that’s a new thought I entertained). No more books. I need a new focus…

When your past repeats in your child’s present

The one thing that I was scared of when it came to having a child is someone harming him. This included taking away their choices, making life decisions for them. I swore I would never let the person who handed my child ever get away with it the way my parents did. My past would not repeat in him.

And then it did…

He was 10, lived on the next block, and a pretty nice kid who seemed a little lost, lonely. My son was 8, and met him during the rainy part of fall just before winter. They became friends quickly, hung out at my house (because I don’t trust outsiders), played hot wheels and video games. We had busy schedules and were not home much so having someone to play with when we were was a treat for my son.

One night my son asked if his friends could stay the night. I had no issues with that. I set them up in his room, separate covers, but in his bed. I went up after a while to check on them, making sure they get some sleep…I couldn’t believe what I saw and flipped the f@#! out!! The friend was kissing on my son, his ear and neck and touching him where no 8 year old should be touched. I went off!!

I’m not proud of my language or words, but seriously it took everything I had not to throw him out the 2nd story window!! I told my son to get right and go to my room and the other boy to sit his ass on the bed until I came back. I then went downstairs to calm and think. My boyfriend at the time wasn’t much help, he actually pissed me off more by being so calm which made me wonder about him (we broke up shortly after). It was late, the boys parents had no phone so I couldn’t buzz their apt, he would have to stay the night.

I calmed enough to think, remembering innocent exploration and reminding myself the boys older and from a messed up home life so there might be more going on with him. I went upstairs to converse with the friend. He was scared and embarrassed, but he talked.  I apologized for my reaction and explained to him why I was upset, how they, especially my son, are too young to be engaging in this type of activity and how it betrayed my trust and rules. He seemed to understand that.

I asked if anyone had done this to or with him before and he said yes, the guy was a couple years older than him. He said he really likes my son, turns out he’s had a big crush on him (my son is a cutie). I felt bad for him. I was no longer mad at him, but knew he could not be around my son anymore. We spoke more, he was very aware of sex, how it worked, and homosexuality…he’d already recognized his preferences. I explained, bottom line, that my son is too young and off limits completely until he is way older; I even explained statutory laws. I explained that my son knew at that time nothing about sexual preference or even how to have sex (sheltered to a point and not interested in general yet). I let the kid sleep in my son’s room, my son in mine.

My son was open and honest, he had no idea what was going on when his friend started all of that. He said he didn’t want to lose him as a friend so he didn’t hit him or stop him. It was heart breaking. What should have been a nice sleepover with a friend ended up stripping away what was left of his innocence and losing him a friendship.

I told the boys dad and let him know that I hope the best for his son, but he is no longer to be around my son…I still see them around, but just in passing.

That night my whole perspective changed as did my worry. I no longer focused on sheltering him, but on empowering him, teaching him how to defend himself, to say no, and about what being a friend means and how to decipher when someone isn’t a good fit for your life. It scared me that he couldn’t say no. What’s worse, I feared that my son’s sexuality had been decided by that one boy in that one moment before my son ever had a chance to know his true heart. Six years later and I still am not convinced it hasn’t caused some confusion.

Secrets revealed

I was molested at age 4, I spoke of this before, how his actions and lies affected my self esteem and friendships. Unfortunately this wasn’t all it affected.

Although I don’t remember any penetration or pleasure from his random finger follies, the experience unlocked a fascination and curiosity that should not exist for many more years. I’m not sure what age it started, but by 7 I had discovered the pleasure that one little nub could bring. Bath time was never the same. And then I got older and probing added that much more. And that is how I put myself to sleep many nights.

This was my secret, nobody knows of this. It’s not something you speak of even to your best friend. Hell, I was already an outcast because of my molester, imagine how people would think of me knowing this. No, nobody else would be able to use my experiences against me.

Show and touch, the start of my problems

When I was 4-5 years old, an older neighborhood boy molested me. At first it was like show me and I’ll show you, but he couldn’t stop touching. In reflection he really didn’t have much idea what he was doing, he tried to finger my “pee hole” (lol I was 4). Because of the pain from touching the wrong hole and his constant harassment I finally confided in my grandma.

I won’t forget that night. We had gone out for dinner, my parents and grandparents, and as we were getting out of the van I whispered my secret to my grandma. I don’t remember exact details, but there was a lot of questions by my family and lots of talk after I went to bed. The next day my parents walked over to his house and spoke with his parents.

I’m not sure what the kids parents did from there, but I don’t think they did much. I, however, was ban from socializing with him. My parents informed a few other parents as to what happened since their daughters were around my age and played with him as well. I was relieved to know that he wouldn’t be able to bug me anymore, what I didn’t know was that he would flip my world upside down.

I was young, somewhat shy, but was friends with all of the neighborhood kids. We were always hanging out, playing on my swing set, even started a club. After I told on that boy many of the kids stopped playing with me. I was heartbroken. It sucked being sent home when he would show up at someone’s house and to have people tell me I was making things up because he said I was. At 5 was too innocent to know how to contend with this. I started sneaking and lying to my parents, not telling them he was at my friends houses and even at 7 telling my parents that I was going to play video games with his sister when really it was him. I usually got caught.

As you can see this went on for years, in reality he badmouthed me to people throughout my teens even. My self-esteem plummeted, my friends disappeared until it was just me and 2 other girls in the neighborhood against the rest. I became very shy, angry, and insecure. This all carried over to school and other aspects of my life, of course I’m still discovering just how much. The results of this small, semi-innocent encounter at such a young innocent age is the root of so many of my problems. How could this 1 boy have completely changed me and my future?