Guess who finally got out!!

I finally did it, this week I focused on me! Ok more accurately I treated myself for a change and no it wasn’t a shopping trip. Last weekend I met up with a friend from middle and high school to see her daughter’s rock band perform. It’s one of those rock camps, but damn some of those kids have major talent and her daughter is one of them!

My friend and I had a drink before the show, but didn’t get to visit much which is what happens every year. To my surprise she texted me to plan a day to go out for drinks at this bar down the street with live music. Our plans for Friday feel through, but Saturday we met up. It was a fucking blast! Seriously the drinks were strong and the band was hot how much better can it get? Lol ok add in the free drink that one of the sound guys bought us (which was all rum with a small splash of coke) and that was the perfect end to our reunion.

The next day I took my son out to eat and to the movies. It’s been ages since I’ve done this and long overdue. We saw Suicide Squad and Lights out (movie hopping is the only way to justify the cost isn’t it?).  It felt so good to spend time just the 2 of us, I need to make sure we do so more often.

I have been neglecting a big part of myself for too long. I ask so happy I’m finally taking action and growing my friends and getting the heck out the house doing things I enjoy. I know the funds aren’t there to go all out, but little things here and there make a big difference. I feel so light and renewed.

One disorganized move

So one question left to be answered since my blog sabbatical is how did my move go.

To be honest it was far more stressful and disorganized than I intended, even with my pre planning. Although it felt like I had purged tons I still ended up with over 10 boxes of random sort items and we were still packing as the moving van drove off! Yeah it sounds simple enough, just donate the boxes without looking, but we literally got to the point where we were just throwing everything into them even some things that actually get used regularly.

Thankfully I moved as much as I had packed and the big items early enough to leave me a couple weeks to finish packing and clean. The unfortunate party was after the moving truck left my son refused to even see the house again, this move has been hard on him. So it was me for a week pretty much doing it all myself. My sister came with me occasionally, particularly helping a lot towards the end. Although she wasn’t much help when it came to packing, she worked her ass of scrubbing walls and blinds and filling in holes.

All I can say is thank God for my friends and family who showed up and a $250 non refundable cleaning fee otherwise I would never have gotten out and gotten my deposit back! So all my stuff is in storage, my life in boxes, and I wait until I’m approved to find my next rental.

I hope I won’t have to move again for 4 years at least. Whoo, we did it!!

When your past repeats in your child’s present

The one thing that I was scared of when it came to having a child is someone harming him. This included taking away their choices, making life decisions for them. I swore I would never let the person who handed my child ever get away with it the way my parents did. My past would not repeat in him.

And then it did…

He was 10, lived on the next block, and a pretty nice kid who seemed a little lost, lonely. My son was 8, and met him during the rainy part of fall just before winter. They became friends quickly, hung out at my house (because I don’t trust outsiders), played hot wheels and video games. We had busy schedules and were not home much so having someone to play with when we were was a treat for my son.

One night my son asked if his friends could stay the night. I had no issues with that. I set them up in his room, separate covers, but in his bed. I went up after a while to check on them, making sure they get some sleep…I couldn’t believe what I saw and flipped the f@#! out!! The friend was kissing on my son, his ear and neck and touching him where no 8 year old should be touched. I went off!!

I’m not proud of my language or words, but seriously it took everything I had not to throw him out the 2nd story window!! I told my son to get right and go to my room and the other boy to sit his ass on the bed until I came back. I then went downstairs to calm and think. My boyfriend at the time wasn’t much help, he actually pissed me off more by being so calm which made me wonder about him (we broke up shortly after). It was late, the boys parents had no phone so I couldn’t buzz their apt, he would have to stay the night.

I calmed enough to think, remembering innocent exploration and reminding myself the boys older and from a messed up home life so there might be more going on with him. I went upstairs to converse with the friend. He was scared and embarrassed, but he talked.  I apologized for my reaction and explained to him why I was upset, how they, especially my son, are too young to be engaging in this type of activity and how it betrayed my trust and rules. He seemed to understand that.

I asked if anyone had done this to or with him before and he said yes, the guy was a couple years older than him. He said he really likes my son, turns out he’s had a big crush on him (my son is a cutie). I felt bad for him. I was no longer mad at him, but knew he could not be around my son anymore. We spoke more, he was very aware of sex, how it worked, and homosexuality…he’d already recognized his preferences. I explained, bottom line, that my son is too young and off limits completely until he is way older; I even explained statutory laws. I explained that my son knew at that time nothing about sexual preference or even how to have sex (sheltered to a point and not interested in general yet). I let the kid sleep in my son’s room, my son in mine.

My son was open and honest, he had no idea what was going on when his friend started all of that. He said he didn’t want to lose him as a friend so he didn’t hit him or stop him. It was heart breaking. What should have been a nice sleepover with a friend ended up stripping away what was left of his innocence and losing him a friendship.

I told the boys dad and let him know that I hope the best for his son, but he is no longer to be around my son…I still see them around, but just in passing.

That night my whole perspective changed as did my worry. I no longer focused on sheltering him, but on empowering him, teaching him how to defend himself, to say no, and about what being a friend means and how to decipher when someone isn’t a good fit for your life. It scared me that he couldn’t say no. What’s worse, I feared that my son’s sexuality had been decided by that one boy in that one moment before my son ever had a chance to know his true heart. Six years later and I still am not convinced it hasn’t caused some confusion.

Show and touch, the start of my problems

When I was 4-5 years old, an older neighborhood boy molested me. At first it was like show me and I’ll show you, but he couldn’t stop touching. In reflection he really didn’t have much idea what he was doing, he tried to finger my “pee hole” (lol I was 4). Because of the pain from touching the wrong hole and his constant harassment I finally confided in my grandma.

I won’t forget that night. We had gone out for dinner, my parents and grandparents, and as we were getting out of the van I whispered my secret to my grandma. I don’t remember exact details, but there was a lot of questions by my family and lots of talk after I went to bed. The next day my parents walked over to his house and spoke with his parents.

I’m not sure what the kids parents did from there, but I don’t think they did much. I, however, was ban from socializing with him. My parents informed a few other parents as to what happened since their daughters were around my age and played with him as well. I was relieved to know that he wouldn’t be able to bug me anymore, what I didn’t know was that he would flip my world upside down.

I was young, somewhat shy, but was friends with all of the neighborhood kids. We were always hanging out, playing on my swing set, even started a club. After I told on that boy many of the kids stopped playing with me. I was heartbroken. It sucked being sent home when he would show up at someone’s house and to have people tell me I was making things up because he said I was. At 5 was too innocent to know how to contend with this. I started sneaking and lying to my parents, not telling them he was at my friends houses and even at 7 telling my parents that I was going to play video games with his sister when really it was him. I usually got caught.

As you can see this went on for years, in reality he badmouthed me to people throughout my teens even. My self-esteem plummeted, my friends disappeared until it was just me and 2 other girls in the neighborhood against the rest. I became very shy, angry, and insecure. This all carried over to school and other aspects of my life, of course I’m still discovering just how much. The results of this small, semi-innocent encounter at such a young innocent age is the root of so many of my problems. How could this 1 boy have completely changed me and my future?

Fresh start, same city?

Is it possible to have a fresh start while still living in the same house in the same town full of the same people?

This is my dilemma. I love my town, semi big city with lots to do and lots of options. My rental is nice, affordable, I won’t find even an apartment at this price within 30 miles, maybe more. The problem is that it is full of ghosts, so many memories that are holding me back.

There have been many times where I wanted to pack everything up and move, I really feel that it would help. Unfortunately, the economy recovered and rental rates skyrocketed and have not come down, this would push us far from our beloved city. If it was just me this wouldn’t be a big deal, but my son is 13 and has a life here. His non-traditional education program is here and we are surrounded by community based arts programs here which offer scholarships and lots of opportunities for middle and high-speed, everything from wood working to refined art skills.

I know that I haven’t give a background yet, but the access to all of these things as well as being within a few hours drive of my family (including extended family) is very important. My son had a horrible time in school and maintaining friends. Since we pulled him from traditional school to homeschool and use alternative non traditional programs he has blossomed. He has strong interests and access to facilities that will help him develop those skills. He has also made a few really good friends right here in our neighborhood. For the average kid it isn’t much to make be friends when you move, but for mine it will have triple the emotional impact.

***sigh*** yes, this is a part of my problem, always putting my son’s needs above my own.

I have so many conflicting thoughts when it comes to moving, I will have to keep my eyes open and keep thinking things through. I’ll keep you posted.