When your past repeats in your child’s present

The one thing that I was scared of when it came to having a child is someone harming him. This included taking away their choices, making life decisions for them. I swore I would never let the person who handed my child ever get away with it the way my parents did. My past would not repeat in him.

And then it did…

He was 10, lived on the next block, and a pretty nice kid who seemed a little lost, lonely. My son was 8, and met him during the rainy part of fall just before winter. They became friends quickly, hung out at my house (because I don’t trust outsiders), played hot wheels and video games. We had busy schedules and were not home much so having someone to play with when we were was a treat for my son.

One night my son asked if his friends could stay the night. I had no issues with that. I set them up in his room, separate covers, but in his bed. I went up after a while to check on them, making sure they get some sleep…I couldn’t believe what I saw and flipped the f@#! out!! The friend was kissing on my son, his ear and neck and touching him where no 8 year old should be touched. I went off!!

I’m not proud of my language or words, but seriously it took everything I had not to throw him out the 2nd story window!! I told my son to get right and go to my room and the other boy to sit his ass on the bed until I came back. I then went downstairs to calm and think. My boyfriend at the time wasn’t much help, he actually pissed me off more by being so calm which made me wonder about him (we broke up shortly after). It was late, the boys parents had no phone so I couldn’t buzz their apt, he would have to stay the night.

I calmed enough to think, remembering innocent exploration and reminding myself the boys older and from a messed up home life so there might be more going on with him. I went upstairs to converse with the friend. He was scared and embarrassed, but he talked.  I apologized for my reaction and explained to him why I was upset, how they, especially my son, are too young to be engaging in this type of activity and how it betrayed my trust and rules. He seemed to understand that.

I asked if anyone had done this to or with him before and he said yes, the guy was a couple years older than him. He said he really likes my son, turns out he’s had a big crush on him (my son is a cutie). I felt bad for him. I was no longer mad at him, but knew he could not be around my son anymore. We spoke more, he was very aware of sex, how it worked, and homosexuality…he’d already recognized his preferences. I explained, bottom line, that my son is too young and off limits completely until he is way older; I even explained statutory laws. I explained that my son knew at that time nothing about sexual preference or even how to have sex (sheltered to a point and not interested in general yet). I let the kid sleep in my son’s room, my son in mine.

My son was open and honest, he had no idea what was going on when his friend started all of that. He said he didn’t want to lose him as a friend so he didn’t hit him or stop him. It was heart breaking. What should have been a nice sleepover with a friend ended up stripping away what was left of his innocence and losing him a friendship.

I told the boys dad and let him know that I hope the best for his son, but he is no longer to be around my son…I still see them around, but just in passing.

That night my whole perspective changed as did my worry. I no longer focused on sheltering him, but on empowering him, teaching him how to defend himself, to say no, and about what being a friend means and how to decipher when someone isn’t a good fit for your life. It scared me that he couldn’t say no. What’s worse, I feared that my son’s sexuality had been decided by that one boy in that one moment before my son ever had a chance to know his true heart. Six years later and I still am not convinced it hasn’t caused some confusion.

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This will pass, but my example is forever

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It’s easy to complain, heck it’s even easy to survive when that’s who you are and what you do, but it is hard as hell to stop thinking and plotting until the situations resolved or passes.

It’s an internal battle right now, 1:30 AM, trying to resolve my situation without crossing into the grey or shadows. God is it hard, but my son needs me to do this, no crossing over, and that is all that matters.

Life goes on. What matters is how we go on and that we get through it together. No car, no house…it’s only temporary; my example is permanent.

Fresh start, same city?

Is it possible to have a fresh start while still living in the same house in the same town full of the same people?

This is my dilemma. I love my town, semi big city with lots to do and lots of options. My rental is nice, affordable, I won’t find even an apartment at this price within 30 miles, maybe more. The problem is that it is full of ghosts, so many memories that are holding me back.

There have been many times where I wanted to pack everything up and move, I really feel that it would help. Unfortunately, the economy recovered and rental rates skyrocketed and have not come down, this would push us far from our beloved city. If it was just me this wouldn’t be a big deal, but my son is 13 and has a life here. His non-traditional education program is here and we are surrounded by community based arts programs here which offer scholarships and lots of opportunities for middle and high-speed, everything from wood working to refined art skills.

I know that I haven’t give a background yet, but the access to all of these things as well as being within a few hours drive of my family (including extended family) is very important. My son had a horrible time in school and maintaining friends. Since we pulled him from traditional school to homeschool and use alternative non traditional programs he has blossomed. He has strong interests and access to facilities that will help him develop those skills. He has also made a few really good friends right here in our neighborhood. For the average kid it isn’t much to make be friends when you move, but for mine it will have triple the emotional impact.

***sigh*** yes, this is a part of my problem, always putting my son’s needs above my own.

I have so many conflicting thoughts when it comes to moving, I will have to keep my eyes open and keep thinking things through. I’ll keep you posted.