Communication would have helped

Today was a pretty good day for the most part. There was some attitude from my nephew, but that’s becoming the norm on his new medicine (I pray they figure the meds out very soon), and then tonight hit…hmm, or was it thrown at the fan. Seriously I’m still sitting here trying to figure out WTF the real problem is because I know it’s not blankets. Is this how men feel in those stereotypical scenarios where their girl starts an argument over something trivial and won’t bring up the real issue?? If so I my heart goes out to anyone dealing with this.

No, I’m not going into the incident here, trust me it’s even more frustrating to retell and analyze.

I’m not a passive-aggressive person, I don’t sugar coat things for adults that need to hear the raw, and I don’t make up shit to cover what I actually said or did, I own it and will call you on your shit when you try to front. If something is wrong or needs attention then talk to that person! 

Maybe that’s part of my problem, I expect too much. Shit, I love my sister, but I can only bite my tongue so long and tonight was a night I had to let it loose, just enough. No I won’t be apologizing, I did nothing wrong and I know she won’t be apologizing either so…I guess we just keep moving forward, hopefully from different houses though. Just a few more days and I can leave for the month…

Want to know a secret? I’m actually jealous of sisters who are close and get along.

Want to know another secret?  I was kind of relieved I only have one kid because close sibling relations don’t seem to run in our family.

Escape

What do you do when you are stuck staying with family and things get to be much?

So much has happened since I last posted, the biggest thing being I made it through the move!! Seriously that is the primary reason I haven’t posted in so long, that move was consuming. So as of July 1 I officially became a resident of my sister’s couch. I can’t say it’s horrible but it’s not entirely a comfortable situation. So here I sit in my new used mini van that was gifted to us by a couple amazing and generous guys that I can’t thank enough regrouping and resetting my mind before I go back inside.

I have no money and my friends are busy tonight…maybe I should go read in a park. Hmm that doesn’t sound half bad.

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Show and touch, the start of my problems

When I was 4-5 years old, an older neighborhood boy molested me. At first it was like show me and I’ll show you, but he couldn’t stop touching. In reflection he really didn’t have much idea what he was doing, he tried to finger my “pee hole” (lol I was 4). Because of the pain from touching the wrong hole and his constant harassment I finally confided in my grandma.

I won’t forget that night. We had gone out for dinner, my parents and grandparents, and as we were getting out of the van I whispered my secret to my grandma. I don’t remember exact details, but there was a lot of questions by my family and lots of talk after I went to bed. The next day my parents walked over to his house and spoke with his parents.

I’m not sure what the kids parents did from there, but I don’t think they did much. I, however, was ban from socializing with him. My parents informed a few other parents as to what happened since their daughters were around my age and played with him as well. I was relieved to know that he wouldn’t be able to bug me anymore, what I didn’t know was that he would flip my world upside down.

I was young, somewhat shy, but was friends with all of the neighborhood kids. We were always hanging out, playing on my swing set, even started a club. After I told on that boy many of the kids stopped playing with me. I was heartbroken. It sucked being sent home when he would show up at someone’s house and to have people tell me I was making things up because he said I was. At 5 was too innocent to know how to contend with this. I started sneaking and lying to my parents, not telling them he was at my friends houses and even at 7 telling my parents that I was going to play video games with his sister when really it was him. I usually got caught.

As you can see this went on for years, in reality he badmouthed me to people throughout my teens even. My self-esteem plummeted, my friends disappeared until it was just me and 2 other girls in the neighborhood against the rest. I became very shy, angry, and insecure. This all carried over to school and other aspects of my life, of course I’m still discovering just how much. The results of this small, semi-innocent encounter at such a young innocent age is the root of so many of my problems. How could this 1 boy have completely changed me and my future?