Day made

Busy, just the way I like work to be; what a great Saturday. Today was different, it tries to start off badly but I didn’t let it. I had to jog to the bus stop so I was there early just in case, but the bus never showed up. I waited 15 min after due then walked to the transit center and managed to catch another bus which got me to work with 5 mins to spare. Whew. 

Hair wind blown and matted down from the humidity and my hood l, I want feeling the prettiest, thank God I applied mascara on the bus. A young girl made my day today, she kept looking at my eyes and told me I’m beautiful. For a split second I caught myself questioning her sincerity, but let it go as she seemed really inherited by my eyes. Tis made me smile 🙂 

But seriously, what is wrong with me that the first thing that came to mind is “it’s probably make someone feel good month at her school.” Am I really that damaged?  I know I’m cute, but I’m somewhat self conscious of my face due to my weight. There was an instance about 10 years ago now, when I was still skinny-ish, effete I was waiting by the restroom my son was in and some older teen boys walked by smiling in my face and acting like they were attracted, talking like they wanted to know me then when they walked off said psych and called me a dog and stayed barking. The crazy part is it was simply because my face had broken out a bit and I didn’t try to cover it 😦 no other reason, I was looking good otherwise. And yet, I have never forgotten that moment. Sometimes people just suck and no matter how confident you are in yourself words can still make you question your confidence. 

Long story short though, it was a great day. I met some fabulous people each day and I hope I make them smile like they make me smile. 

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Who knew

When I pierced my lip I didn’t do it to impress or attract anyone, I did it because when I look at my face even with make up on it is incomplete to me. I have a mental picture of myself and what I see there is not what I see in the mirror, it’s not a true reflection of myself. No, I’m not ugly, but I wasn’t expressing myself the way I truly wanted to; makeup is not my preferred medium, I like body jewelry.

Who knew that with just one piece of jewelry strategically selected and placed my confidence would leap. Ok maybe that combined with losing a little weight in my face, but seriously I noticed that I’m not shying away from people as much. It’s weird because “it’s just jewelry.” It doesn’t make me tougher, harder, scarier…it doesn’t really change me, it simply makes me more comfortable. I know it adds to my beauty and can even seduce a guy from across the room just watching me work it with my mouth, but it’s just an accessory, an extension of me.

When your past repeats in your child’s present

The one thing that I was scared of when it came to having a child is someone harming him. This included taking away their choices, making life decisions for them. I swore I would never let the person who handed my child ever get away with it the way my parents did. My past would not repeat in him.

And then it did…

He was 10, lived on the next block, and a pretty nice kid who seemed a little lost, lonely. My son was 8, and met him during the rainy part of fall just before winter. They became friends quickly, hung out at my house (because I don’t trust outsiders), played hot wheels and video games. We had busy schedules and were not home much so having someone to play with when we were was a treat for my son.

One night my son asked if his friends could stay the night. I had no issues with that. I set them up in his room, separate covers, but in his bed. I went up after a while to check on them, making sure they get some sleep…I couldn’t believe what I saw and flipped the f@#! out!! The friend was kissing on my son, his ear and neck and touching him where no 8 year old should be touched. I went off!!

I’m not proud of my language or words, but seriously it took everything I had not to throw him out the 2nd story window!! I told my son to get right and go to my room and the other boy to sit his ass on the bed until I came back. I then went downstairs to calm and think. My boyfriend at the time wasn’t much help, he actually pissed me off more by being so calm which made me wonder about him (we broke up shortly after). It was late, the boys parents had no phone so I couldn’t buzz their apt, he would have to stay the night.

I calmed enough to think, remembering innocent exploration and reminding myself the boys older and from a messed up home life so there might be more going on with him. I went upstairs to converse with the friend. He was scared and embarrassed, but he talked.  I apologized for my reaction and explained to him why I was upset, how they, especially my son, are too young to be engaging in this type of activity and how it betrayed my trust and rules. He seemed to understand that.

I asked if anyone had done this to or with him before and he said yes, the guy was a couple years older than him. He said he really likes my son, turns out he’s had a big crush on him (my son is a cutie). I felt bad for him. I was no longer mad at him, but knew he could not be around my son anymore. We spoke more, he was very aware of sex, how it worked, and homosexuality…he’d already recognized his preferences. I explained, bottom line, that my son is too young and off limits completely until he is way older; I even explained statutory laws. I explained that my son knew at that time nothing about sexual preference or even how to have sex (sheltered to a point and not interested in general yet). I let the kid sleep in my son’s room, my son in mine.

My son was open and honest, he had no idea what was going on when his friend started all of that. He said he didn’t want to lose him as a friend so he didn’t hit him or stop him. It was heart breaking. What should have been a nice sleepover with a friend ended up stripping away what was left of his innocence and losing him a friendship.

I told the boys dad and let him know that I hope the best for his son, but he is no longer to be around my son…I still see them around, but just in passing.

That night my whole perspective changed as did my worry. I no longer focused on sheltering him, but on empowering him, teaching him how to defend himself, to say no, and about what being a friend means and how to decipher when someone isn’t a good fit for your life. It scared me that he couldn’t say no. What’s worse, I feared that my son’s sexuality had been decided by that one boy in that one moment before my son ever had a chance to know his true heart. Six years later and I still am not convinced it hasn’t caused some confusion.

Shout out to the creative and fun blogger, Sary Fairy

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I have to give a shout out to one of my favorite vloggers on YouTube, Sary Fairy. Her creativity in self expression and body art to accentuate beauty is admirable. Her vlog is fun and full of positive messages, even addressing, at one point, comments claiming “it’s easy for you to be confident, you’re beautiful” and accusing her of lacking confidence and using makeup to hide behind (watch here).

I don’t know her life story, nor have I watched all of her videos, but whatever her history or reasons behind anything she does do not and should not matter to anyone but her; who isn’t covering something up? Confidence is an emotion, a feeling, if body art brings out your confidence then embrace it! We should all be confident in ourselves in whatever way comfortable.

So here is a big Finally Fixing Me shout out to Sary Fairy: Your beautiful as you so go on and Express Yourself girl!

To view and subscribe to Sary Fairy’s vlog visit https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXcsSjtT-h_XwBzyJGSKtAg

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Death and rebirth

I always feel torn. Torn between family and freedom, fun and responsibility, myself and my kid, right and wrong, God and my desires…I have so many internal conflicts, I know they manifest externally and are holding me back.

I have always heard that a person’s house or appearance is a reflection of them. I always thought this referred to their taste and style, but now I see it is deeper, it is a reflection of their internal self. In my case I’m a mess of conflicts as a result my house is as well. It’s “lived in,” appears somewhat orderly but there is mess within the order with a bunch of stuff shoved away to be dealt with, but never gotten to.

I know that I let my looks go somewhat after my ex was killed. I gained weight, stopped wearing make up, and I don’t put much into my clothes or hair. I know I did this semi consciously at first, I hated guys hitting on me and got tired of rejecting them and explaining why (to myself more than them). I let myself go so that I didn’t have to keep thinking about moving on with someone else. Maybe I did the same with my house, it takes the choice out of my hands.

My house has ties to my ex. I met him on my front porch, he was at his God sister’s party who just so happened to be my neighbor. We clicked, spent the whole night on the phone. I made him wait 6 months before I agreed to see him again, but we talked daily. We were virtually inseparable, he loved my son and I so much and constantly took us out. Chuck E Cheese and the park to watch the boats and talk became or routine with family and other fun mixed in. I would have married him, he’s the only one I ever felt like that about. He even asked me once, not officially a proposal, but he asked and I said not yet, we hadn’t been together long and for me marriage is for life. I told him one day, yes, but for now let’s keep getting to know each other. Eventually we broke up, he felt rejected and drifted eventually. We moved on, things were ok even though I missed him. We had just reunited not long before he was attacked.

Knowing that he was no longer in this world killed me, it was completely different from moving on from a break up, you can’t rebound and fill that void. It’s like wet sand, no matter how much you try to clear away to fill with something different the sand will keep refilling to quickly.

Many years have passed. I’ve healed in many ways, but now I’m stalled. Where do I go from here? I’m ready to move forward, to re-imurge, but I’m holding myself back. I need reclaim my house, my looks, my confidence, and move forward somehow carrying the love he had for me instead of the baggage.