Tired of hiding

I am tired of hiding! I am who I am, but different people know different versions of me. I hide my pain from my family, my closest friends know my struggles, my bf knows my pain, but here I hide my face so people who know me don’t see me. It’s time to stop hiding. It’s time to free me.

I think its time to change how I do this, how I heal, how I post, how I shine. I need to shine! I want to talk about sex, show my make up, give reviews, vent, talk freely, interact with people…maybe I should start a vlog? I think its time to evolve, both myself and my page.

How do I do this??

This is so fitting to me right now. Im a literal mess and my life a disaster. I have 2 guys that want me, one that loves me to death but treats me bad at times and may end up being the death of me and the other loves me sexually, at least thinks he still does even though it’s been 19 years, and thinks he wants me locked down for life. But neither one of these guys deserve my time right now because my son has not been in my house since before school started, because my heads so fucked I can’t even walk away from mental abuse, because I can’t stop putting others needs and wants before my own but let my son down by not putting his needs above my man’s and mine.

I can’t be more honest than that.

How do I stop all of this?? How do I say no more, I need a break when I know that my ex has nobody and relies on me more than a man should?? He did this, I’m not even feeling him anymore, but I want to be his friend help him through this. I care, I see him, know him in a way he didn’t even know himself, and I push him, challenge home, and am helping him see and understand himself.

See I’m a mess.

He is going to do time for this, he deserves it, he’s gotten away with it too many times. I’m not dropping the restraining order either, he’s going to own his shit. I want to see him learn to deal with his past, how to manage his switches, and control his insecurities and temper. He’s an amazing person just shouldn’t be with him until he’s in control.

Now how to tell him so I’m not leading him on?

And where is my son in all of this?? Fuck

How did I get here???

How did I get here? Seriously?!?! I love the fuck out of my boyfriend, but he’s done me wrong too many times. This last time left me feeling stripped of trust and I’m not seeing anyway of regaining it. Yes I know he was extremely high, out his mind on meth (he relapsed hard), but I also know it can happen at anytime in the future so where’s my security??? On top of all this, the same day I found out he did this my son’s dad chose to contact me for the first time in 16 years. Talk about a mind fuck!

For the past week I have been trying to process all of my thoughts and feelings but it’s sooo hard when I’m sharing a house with my bf still. Yes he’s a week clean, but he is not handling the fact I’m talking to my son’s father well, in fact his insecurities pushed me further away. It’s sad because I care so much for him and would never cheat on him but now I have to sneak in a text or 2 to my baby dad just to get this paternity test done. It’s too much. I feel like a teenager again.

I sat down yesterday morning (ok it was a week ago now, sorry for the late post) and really unloaded my feelings to my bf. I don’t know if he gets it all but I feel better, it made me feel so close to him…best sex ever yesterday!! Even after that though I am still distant from him cuz I know he will fuck up again soon. I can’t keep living like this with him. He did offer to do couples counseling and I’m all for it if it helps us both deal with our personal issues too. I know he had a fucked up life and it caused certain issues with him, sometimes I understand his issues better c than he does and we have a deep bond because of that understanding and acceptance, but there’s certain things I can’t accept in my life and it breaks my heart to think of leaving him.

Reboot but never stopped

It’s been way too long. So many changes and new insight. All of this time I should have been blogging but I was unable (my Dumbass couldn’t get into my blog) but I’m back!

I fell in love! Didn’t see that coming did you? It hasn’t been easy but wow did I learn a lot about me and my hidden issues. It’s been an interesting 2 year journey with him and I can’t wait to delve into this topic as I sort my feelings.

My son turned 18!!! I am soo proud of him! It has been a crazy journey and things are about to get crazier as i just got in touch with his long lost “father”…this reboot is coming at the perfect time #imamess

I’m also starting something new; my friends in therapy and doing these self love journal entries so look for a new category with weekly responses from me. Oh and I’m blogging my weight loss journey, I have started back at the gym and weightlifting is in my near future.

Lots of things happening in my life so stay tuned. Yes i said it 😜

Hello Fresh, fixing my diet

One step in fixing me is working on my diet. I thought returning to work would help me with this, but it ended up making things worse. Instead of buying more veggies and better quality food for home cooked meals we ran in a whole other direction, restaurants and fast food. Between multiple closing shifts a week and a sore Achilles tendon after long shifts I had little desire to cook. Until last week.

Last week I came across an ad for Hello Fresh, a meal delivery service full of foods I already eat, but in healthier combination with more natural ingredients and more adult flavors. Tonight I cooked our first meal, Spaghetti with ragu. Delicious!!

Ok I may have altered the recipe just a tad, but I only added to the flavor. Steam peeled tomatoes, zucchini, garlic, onion, ground beef, Italian seasoning, salt, and pepper were all included in a package with spaghetti noodles of choose. I chose to add Johnny’s seasoning salt, powdered garlic, and 2 bay leaves because, hey, it’s spaghetti and I needed a touch more flavor. They also include a small bottle of Colavita Pepperolio which adds spice (heat) to the sauce and had earned a permanent place in my pantry. All of this combined with grated parmesan (surprisingly not included) have changed the way I will make spaghetti in the future. Bye bye sugary packaged sauces.

My biggest concern when I received my order was portion sizes. After tonight’s meal I don’t think portion sizes will be a problem. As you can see in the picture above, one serving (I order a 2 serving meal which feeds 2) is more than enough, I didn’t even take half of the sauce! If all of their meals are like tonight’s then I’m hooked!

Unfortunately my son was away for the weekend so I won’t know his thoughts on tonight’s mall until I cook it again, but I have a feeling he too will be hooked.

So excited, preparing for work!

It’s almost Wednesday, why is the week going so slowly?!?! I have orientation for my new job on Monday, then find out my schedule. I so can’t wait! Why do I have to wait?! Very few people in my life know me well, well the old me, the me who enjoys working and getting paid. Heck, they don’t even know the me that loves Nike’s and coats, eating out and dining with friends; this girl has been hidden and denied too long.

It’s amazing how simply accepting a job has boosted my mood and confidence. It’s hard living life making ends meet but not having anything left to spend on fun…one can only do the same free things so many times before it no longer feels fun. Five years and I feel like I’m starting a new life, almost like leaving home for the first time. 

Today I bought a shirt for my first day and can’t wait to shop for another. Tomorrow I plan to hang our big white board and set it up to operate as our command center, with me being gone so much my son will need a place to look so he knows what will need to be done and a place to communicate (hold our notes) so we don’t forget. I don’t know what my schedules will look like but I do know opening and closing shifts are going to happen, this means pre-planning dinners and emphasising cooking lessons with my son are a must. I know he’d be happy if I gave him money to eat out most nights, but what’s the point in working if all the money goes to eating out. I feel so bad leaving him to his own devices, and a bit scared, but he’s almost 16 and knows how to manage and what’s expected, even if he chooses to not fulfill expectations 🙂 Funny, I never worried about him being home alone when he was younger, but then he just layed around playing games, now he hops buses and chills with friends…I guess me being here doesn’t make that big of a difference in what he does, huh? Until girls are involved at least.

Sunday surprise!!

Today was amazing! I woke up to a missed call from a box store that I applied to Friday. Surprisingly they wanted to interview me today, Sunday. So after 2 interviews and some paperwork I am now employed at said box store!! I can’t believe it, amazing Sunday!!

After 5 years as a stay home mom and homeschool teacher, I felt the time was right to return to work. My son is almost 16, pretty independent and not home much, so why not? I tried looking for work briefly last year before finding out I needed to move, with no luck, but after a week of submitting applications I am finally employed!! 

This is a big step, one that I’ve thought out a bit. I know that I will eventually need 2 jobs, Ke won’t be my dependent for much longer (3 more years where’d time go?). So instead of jumping into my previous job title, further utilizing my certification, I decided it’s better to start with my soon to be 2nd job so I can work up the pay scale a bit. Fingers crossed this all goes well. I’ve worked at this job when I was much younger so I know I can do it, and the company is amazing toward their employees so I know I can move up and will enjoy it.

Who me, Suzzy homemaker?

Oddly enough I’m becoming more of a “Suzzy homemaker” than I ever imagined. Our new apartment with it’s new appliances has brought out the part of me that actually wants to clean. Yeah I still have my lazy days, afterall, cleaning up after teens who seem to find new ways to slack off can grind on everyone, but I’ve come a long way from where I was at the old place. I find myself, this moment, standing in the kitchen surrounded by new appliances wondering if there’s an easier way to wipe down the brushed stainless steel appliances without leaving weird discoloration steaks. The old me is laughing at, but proud of the new me.

A new reality, but how

I’m at this phase in my life where I’d rather live a fantasy. Hop a bus for nowhere, get a diner job, and marry Mr sexy good guy who sees me for the amazing, beautiful woman I am…
I’m tired of living my reality, I need a new reality. Is that even possible without making major change? If not then what change is truly needed?

This is on my mind; I need to explore this further.

Yay, New black shirts

I don’t buy myself new clothes often so I am totally ecstatic, I got a new pack of Hanes shirts (undershirt style, nothing feels better)!! I know that they don’t look like much, but this is a gift far beyond all of those fancy shmancy tops people expect women to wear; these are comfy and badass when they fit just right. My only complaint is that they don’t sell them in a 4 pack of all black. Oh well, I’ll dye the grey ones.

I’m kind of bummed, I had to go up a size so it has room to shrink down for that nice fit. Motivation to lose weight though.

I feel good, nothing like comfy new shirts.

 

BTW, sorry for the bathroom pic (it’s not my bathroom).