Sex, I’m addicted. It’s my only true addiction. I’ve been addicted to sexual stimulation since I was little, I’ve confessed this already, but my first time having sex I was 18…that is a story for another day though.
Sex tends to completely dominate my life at times. From 18-21 (when I became pregnant with my son) I was very sexually active and with multiple partners. Becoming emotionally attached was hard for me, yes, the pork of being sexually abused at a young age, but I digress. If I’m not seeing someone then I masturbate, heck even when I’m seeing someone I’m self gratifying. I’m insatiable much of the time which is why multiple partners worked well for me.
My big confession tonight is that I have been denying myself sex with another person for going on a year now. It may seem insane, but it was a part of my healing process. I want more, a relationship that is a fit for both of us, to do that I need to be in control of my body and truly know what I need and what I can offer. It has truly helped and I feel like I truly know what I want and need from a partner. The problem is that things have become out of my control.
With my housing situation out of my hands, up in the air combined with a lack of income, I am spiraling mentally. I’ve been hiding in books. If it wasn’t for this blog I would be completely lost in my head ignoring my problems. As it is I’m losing myself to bdsm literotica and novels the past couple of weeks and seriously dehydration sets in each day. I can’t tell you how nice it would be to completely submit to a man or men so I no longer have to stress over my current worries.
This has never been my style, not 24/7 full submission. I know this is just me trying to escape this dragged out move and what I can’t control. I don’t know how to change this, but it’s getting old. Why can’t I throw myself into cleaning or some other project, why do I keep using sex as my escape, control in an uncontrolled state?
I won’t give in. No booty calls. No sex club (that’s a new thought I entertained). No more books. I need a new focus…
I can’t even begin explaining how this picture makes me feel…it’s me.
I am so full of love, passion, energy, and more all bound up. Few can see what’s hiding in me, those who can only catch glimpses; a flash of light in my eyes, a spark that escapes when touched…all of it bound, carefully hidden.
I shrug away from affection, hugs filled with love and comfort. Eye contact is strained, carefully shuttered. My body heavy, plain with the unattractive material binding me, hiding me. I draw and paint, pierce and decorate, a poor interpretation of the vibrant beauty hidden away. You can’t see me!
You can’t know…
-Hapless Confusion 2016
Enough said 😉 it was my biggest accomplishment of the week. Who knows where this will lead…
Weird, the draft I was working on disappeared overnight. It’s not even in the Trash bin. I’m getting tired of these app glitches, maybe it’s time I get a computer. it will have to wait until I’m in a mood to revisit my past…it’s emotionally draining and I have too much to do today.
All that said, I’m in a great mood today! My lips not as sore, my mind at peace, and I actually feel like cleaning and getting out for a while.
Have a great day!!
2 weeks later
About 2 weeks ago, March 13, I posted a pic and review of a new permanent ammonia free hair dye I tried, Revlon Cornsilk Burgundy color; here’s my update.
I am not impressed. As you can see the color drastically faded even with shampoo and conditioner for color treated hair. In 2 days I could see that the roots were fading, my blond starting to come through. Although I do enjoy the color it has faded to, I could have gotten the same results from a temporary dye.
Right after dying
What I do like is of course the conditioner used with the original treatment, it left my hair softer than it’s felt in years. I also like how it’s still clinging to the grey. Unfortunately that’s just not enough for me which means I get to trim and dye my hair another color 🙂
Murphy’s law is a bitch so before you do your own piercing, or allow a friend to, make sure that you’ve researched and prepared for the unexpected. Seriously, know what you’re getting into. Know your material options (titanium, surgical steel, etc.), recommended gages, length/diameter recommended for new piercings to allow for swelling, healing time, aftercare, potential dangers for each location (nerves, reflection…), angles and techniques, and even piercing needle options (lubricated?, with guide?). Even if you’re just shoving a safety pin through know how long to leave it in before trying to replace it with jewelry.
There’s a million videos and reads explain all of this, but none of them know exactly how your body will react to the piercing or jewelry. Although there are recommendations to allow for swelling those recommendations might not be enough for you or the style of jewelry you want isn’t the best for you while healing. So while others won’t tell you, I will…Buy a variety pack of sizes and styles and keep on hand for new piercings just in case.
24 hours after changing, swelling down a lot
I’ve self pierced before, but this time chose to use piercing needles instead of safety pin or piercing stud (not recommended for cartilage as they have a lot of grooves). Money was a factor and I went with a $5 pack that came with different gage needless (14, 16, 18) that were not lubricated. The pack came with a few jewelry options for each gage, but they were basic surgical steel and I wanted something cuter and titanium as I wasn’t sure how my body would react, so I bought a labret for my lip and a hoop for my nose.
Thank God I went with the assorted pack of jewelry because my lip swelled so much the next day that the labret stud I initially selected was not long enough. It dug into the meat of my lip and was causing the meat to pucker around it. NOT good. I had no choice but to remove it and find a hoop big enough to fit around my fat lip. So here I am now with a silver 14 gage CBR in my lip (which I intended to be a 16G) that flops from side to side but feels SO much better. When the swelling comes down more I can switch to the smaller diameter horseshoe, and eventually back to my sexy labret. It’s not what I planned but thank God I had options.
Always prepare for the unexpected!!
I’m at this phase in my life where I’d rather live a fantasy. Hop a bus for nowhere, get a diner job, and marry Mr sexy good guy who sees me for the amazing, beautiful woman I am…
I’m tired of living my reality, I need a new reality. Is that even possible without making major change? If not then what change is truly needed?
This is on my mind; I need to explore this further.
Fat lip, fat lip, fat lip fat lip… try saying that fast with a fat lip. lol It’s the new fluffy bunny it celebration of Easter (my niece will enjoy laughing at me).
Maybe I should have done the other piercing to even things out. 🙂
Don’t be scared to be you…unless your a psychopathic murderer or worse, if so then just get help because you still are who you are so it’s ok to admit it so others can be who they are. Lol that’s so not where I intended to go with this.
Good day people. I’m up after only 5 hours of amazing sleep and am amazingly energized…I wonder if it’s still the adrenalin or thrill of the new piercing. I woke up with a swollen lip thanks to having to push the needle through twice, but it’s come down some and I don’t have plans but to clean and pack some.
Well I’m off to start my day, I mean afternoon. 🙂 What makes you different?
Yay, I finally got to add a new piercing! I know you can’t tell from the pic but it’s a black heart with multi colour jewel…too cute IMO.
This little booger gave me a hard time, but I persisted and finally it all came together. Ok so it was partially my fault for buying needles from a new source and not realizing that the stud wouldn’t fit into the end to guide it through… I ended up putting the needle through twice, leaving it in my lip for 20 mins the 2nd time to make sure the front hole stayed open this time. It worked and boom, I’m loving it. I was going to do a hoop in my lip on the opposite side, but because I struggled with the labret stud I decided I will order a new needle next month that will guide the hoop in. Hey, it will give me time to for the swelling to go down.
This will be my first permanent lip piercing, when I was younger I could never let my lip heal. My mom was not a fan of facial piercings so as a teen every piercing was fresh and removed before I entered the house. Heck, at some point I just started using a safety pin them fastening it and rocking that over the weekend.
I’m tired of hiding my art, my vision, in not working right now so why not act while I have time to heal. Piercings are beautiful. I am beautiful.
More piercings to come.