Distractions

Some days I want to throw all electronic devices out, other days I wish we still used pagers and internet want at our finger tips 24/7. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing I will find myself checking my phone and not even knowing why. Habits don’t require thought, just action. I know I’m not the only one, I see people do it all the time, at work, driving, on the street, we are all obsessed.

I wish I could say the kids have it worse, but really, the adults are just as bad, the big difference is most adults get their work done too. Ok well our paid work. Today I was suppose to clean, but I found myself researching numerous things for an upcoming doctor appt and such that could have waited. Like I said before, there’s always an excuse. I really do need to make a list tomorrow and reward myself as I accomplish each goal. The good news is I am prepared for the appointments and the upcoming meeting with the school, the downside is I have pulled things out as I clean and purge and they are sitting here waiting for me to pull out together and move them to their new room.

Yup, tomorrow is it , I can’t look at this stuff out of place much longer. I need that rush of accomplishment, maybe I will reward myself by shopping for paint for the living room. Crap, no, I’m already distracting myself.

Hindering a night owl

I’m a night owl. Yes I can get up and do stuff during the day, but I do my best work at night. I’m finding that this goes double when it comes to cleaning house.

When my son was little I would do a thorough cleaning on one of my days off, usually from 11-3 AM. He would always get up the next morning and his eyes would light up in surprise and admiration at what I accomplished while he slept. I really miss seeing this look on his face, but he’s old enough to be a part of the cleaning process. Unfortunately I get way more accomplished while he sleeps. Maybe I should keep him involved in the daily routine but do the thorough myself. I guess I should think about this more.

I dunno, as motivated as I am at night to clean I have a houseguest for the school year who sleeps on the couch. I guess I need to just suck it up and find it in me to get this done during the day. 😦  So many excuse, I can’t pick just one.
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Decluttering=a bigger mess

I finally started my declutter mission. It is a task to fit 15+ mins into my current cleaning routine, but I’m doing it. I have 2 paper bags full of items to donate and someone just came to pick up my son’s old basketball hoop. It felt so good to see things go.

Unfortunately for me decluttering creates an even bigger mess. Pulling things out and going through them often leaves some items displaced. 😦 This could get messy, I hope the boys don’t want a slumber party anytime soon. Sure eventually things will find a place or go, but if I try to find a place now I will never fully go through things or have to sort that item again when I get to that room.  I could be doing this wrong, but I’m easily distracted do I don’t want to deviate.

Advice?

Death and rebirth

I always feel torn. Torn between family and freedom, fun and responsibility, myself and my kid, right and wrong, God and my desires…I have so many internal conflicts, I know they manifest externally and are holding me back.

I have always heard that a person’s house or appearance is a reflection of them. I always thought this referred to their taste and style, but now I see it is deeper, it is a reflection of their internal self. In my case I’m a mess of conflicts as a result my house is as well. It’s “lived in,” appears somewhat orderly but there is mess within the order with a bunch of stuff shoved away to be dealt with, but never gotten to.

I know that I let my looks go somewhat after my ex was killed. I gained weight, stopped wearing make up, and I don’t put much into my clothes or hair. I know I did this semi consciously at first, I hated guys hitting on me and got tired of rejecting them and explaining why (to myself more than them). I let myself go so that I didn’t have to keep thinking about moving on with someone else. Maybe I did the same with my house, it takes the choice out of my hands.

My house has ties to my ex. I met him on my front porch, he was at his God sister’s party who just so happened to be my neighbor. We clicked, spent the whole night on the phone. I made him wait 6 months before I agreed to see him again, but we talked daily. We were virtually inseparable, he loved my son and I so much and constantly took us out. Chuck E Cheese and the park to watch the boats and talk became or routine with family and other fun mixed in. I would have married him, he’s the only one I ever felt like that about. He even asked me once, not officially a proposal, but he asked and I said not yet, we hadn’t been together long and for me marriage is for life. I told him one day, yes, but for now let’s keep getting to know each other. Eventually we broke up, he felt rejected and drifted eventually. We moved on, things were ok even though I missed him. We had just reunited not long before he was attacked.

Knowing that he was no longer in this world killed me, it was completely different from moving on from a break up, you can’t rebound and fill that void. It’s like wet sand, no matter how much you try to clear away to fill with something different the sand will keep refilling to quickly.

Many years have passed. I’ve healed in many ways, but now I’m stalled. Where do I go from here? I’m ready to move forward, to re-imurge, but I’m holding myself back. I need reclaim my house, my looks, my confidence, and move forward somehow carrying the love he had for me instead of the baggage.

Cleaning house

Why is it so easy to put off cleaning the house? When my son was young I cleaned daily and the carpet was cleaned monthly, but now that he’s a teen I find myself frustrated and procrastinating. Yes I do the basics daily…dishes, counters, laundry, bathroom, vacuum…but the rest gets neglected or shoved away so the house appears clean. My son helps some but things seem to get messed up faster than we can clean. Hmm I think that is what has made me give up, constant cleaning after people.

Ive decided it’s time to change this. I’ve heard of the 15 min cleaning challenge and Declutter 365, maybe it’s time I try these out. I’ve lived here so long that it is time to purge, maybe then even if we don’t thoroughly clean daily it will still look nicer and motivate us. This will be a huge task and may take a lot to get my son on board, but I think we can do it, especially in small increments daily.
I do love the adrenalin rush I get when getting rid of stuff, I hope my son does too because his room is in need of this!

Good Lord, where do I start?

Show and touch, the start of my problems

When I was 4-5 years old, an older neighborhood boy molested me. At first it was like show me and I’ll show you, but he couldn’t stop touching. In reflection he really didn’t have much idea what he was doing, he tried to finger my “pee hole” (lol I was 4). Because of the pain from touching the wrong hole and his constant harassment I finally confided in my grandma.

I won’t forget that night. We had gone out for dinner, my parents and grandparents, and as we were getting out of the van I whispered my secret to my grandma. I don’t remember exact details, but there was a lot of questions by my family and lots of talk after I went to bed. The next day my parents walked over to his house and spoke with his parents.

I’m not sure what the kids parents did from there, but I don’t think they did much. I, however, was ban from socializing with him. My parents informed a few other parents as to what happened since their daughters were around my age and played with him as well. I was relieved to know that he wouldn’t be able to bug me anymore, what I didn’t know was that he would flip my world upside down.

I was young, somewhat shy, but was friends with all of the neighborhood kids. We were always hanging out, playing on my swing set, even started a club. After I told on that boy many of the kids stopped playing with me. I was heartbroken. It sucked being sent home when he would show up at someone’s house and to have people tell me I was making things up because he said I was. At 5 was too innocent to know how to contend with this. I started sneaking and lying to my parents, not telling them he was at my friends houses and even at 7 telling my parents that I was going to play video games with his sister when really it was him. I usually got caught.

As you can see this went on for years, in reality he badmouthed me to people throughout my teens even. My self-esteem plummeted, my friends disappeared until it was just me and 2 other girls in the neighborhood against the rest. I became very shy, angry, and insecure. This all carried over to school and other aspects of my life, of course I’m still discovering just how much. The results of this small, semi-innocent encounter at such a young innocent age is the root of so many of my problems. How could this 1 boy have completely changed me and my future?

Fresh start, same city?

Is it possible to have a fresh start while still living in the same house in the same town full of the same people?

This is my dilemma. I love my town, semi big city with lots to do and lots of options. My rental is nice, affordable, I won’t find even an apartment at this price within 30 miles, maybe more. The problem is that it is full of ghosts, so many memories that are holding me back.

There have been many times where I wanted to pack everything up and move, I really feel that it would help. Unfortunately, the economy recovered and rental rates skyrocketed and have not come down, this would push us far from our beloved city. If it was just me this wouldn’t be a big deal, but my son is 13 and has a life here. His non-traditional education program is here and we are surrounded by community based arts programs here which offer scholarships and lots of opportunities for middle and high-speed, everything from wood working to refined art skills.

I know that I haven’t give a background yet, but the access to all of these things as well as being within a few hours drive of my family (including extended family) is very important. My son had a horrible time in school and maintaining friends. Since we pulled him from traditional school to homeschool and use alternative non traditional programs he has blossomed. He has strong interests and access to facilities that will help him develop those skills. He has also made a few really good friends right here in our neighborhood. For the average kid it isn’t much to make be friends when you move, but for mine it will have triple the emotional impact.

***sigh*** yes, this is a part of my problem, always putting my son’s needs above my own.

I have so many conflicting thoughts when it comes to moving, I will have to keep my eyes open and keep thinking things through. I’ll keep you posted.

Hello world!

Hi everyone. This is my first blog and like me it will be a work in progress.

My life has not been the easiest, although those looking in probably wouldn’t see it as messed up. I use to think that much of the craziness that I fell into was brought on by choice, but now that I’m older (old enough to have a teenage son and no I wasn’t a teen mom) I am realizing that there were deeper reasons.

My mind never stops processing and problem solving so I’m hoping that by blogging my thoughts and life I will get some peace and move forward. I plan to be as honest and open as possible in hopes that not only will this help me but maybe someone else who went through similar. It would also be nice to hear from others, support and such are always welcome.

Here we go.