I need a hug

I do, I need a hug.

I have done it, I am moving and I am leaving everything that has dragged me down behind. I have broke my bf’s heart but this problems are killing me. I tried, but I am a part of this problems and I need to get away.

So here I sit, alone looking towards my future.

Falling in love with…

I am in love with this amazing person who never lets me down. This person has always been by my side, pushes me to better myself, but still let’s me be me when I need. This person knows who I am, what I have been through and helps me bring it together. What this person gives me nobody else has without taking away from me.

I am in love with me

I stand here looking in the mirror finding happiness with what I am seeing. My body is slimmer, skin a bit less pale, my cute smile and mischievous playful eyes returning. I am attractive. I am attractive, but not because of my body’s changes, because my self esteem is returning. I am a good person, finally. I can love and forgive, care and move on, help but stay away…I am finding my balance. I still can’t let go of certain things and I still can’t give up on certain people, but I’m starting to think I don’t have to. Maybe distance and change is the answer in certain situations.

I know my family can’t understand me and why I do what I do, hell they don’t even know the me I was as a teen and young adult. I can explain myself all day long but I no longer feel the need. I am me, if you love me then accept that. I accept you. This is the me I have missed, I have spent too long caring about others opinions, too much time hiding things. So what if I like sex, hate traditional relationships, accept my people as they are and try to be good to people that others feel I need to leave alone…this is me, I am happy this way. And yes I am selfish, but guess what, so are you.

My Pain, 21 years now you text? I Fucking Hate My Dad’s Brothers

I don’t know what to do, say, or act with this. A few days ago I get this text from my sister:

“(Our cousin) sent me this: We finalized plans for Dads celebration of life this week. It will be Saturday _ from _ at the (my uncles favorite) restaurant in _. I would like you guys to be there. Uncle _ will not be there. He’s having his hip replaced”

1st thing that hit me is the last 2 sentence “Uncle _ will not be there. He’s having his hip replaced.” My thought: so we are only being invited cuz he won’t be there. You may be thinking I’m overreacting, but that uncle has not only had nothing to do with us in almost 21 years, he and their dad kept our cousins from inviting us to weddings, funerals, and anything else. He is a racist fuck who won’t even look at a picture of my son, but beyond that I don’t know why he disowned me prior to getting pregnant.

My 2nd thought was how can I go to a celebration of life for someone who caused me soo much pain! This man was the only uncle on my dads side that my dad took us around on a somewhat regular basis. This man ended up walking out of your lives when we needed him most without any explanation then proceeded to hound and pressure his kids into blocking us and not taking to us. This was all too much for me, too many memories and pain. He did us soo wrong and all too cover his mistakes.

I ended up posting this late that night on facebook: 

“Almost 21 years since my dads family disowned us, no reason or explanation just boom, dads gone and so is his family.
We were lied to the whole 7 months he was in the hospitals, kept from contacting him, told he was too depressed for company only to find out from Aunt _ (who didn’t know we were being kept from him) that the kids were up there often and even saw him around the week he passed, as did his bothers who made it up there saw him too. 21 years of hurt just to cover lies that they told my dad and us kids. My dad could have met his grandson! I know we weren’t perfect but that was my dad, we were close! Maybe it would have helped his depression to see or talk to us. Why would you lie and hurt us all like this?! Who cares that you sold all his stuff or kept it for yourself and told him we took it or that time you told him that his place was burglarised to cover what u took. Yes I have copies of this mental health files, these things were listed in the notes for various visits. Don’t believe me? I know he attempted suicide at the cabin, I also know one of this brothers took him to (town we grew up in) to get his service gun out of pawn where we kept it (he didn’t name the bro in the notes) and that brother “bought” it from him as payment for helping with the bills or whatever. I also know my dads record collection is in one of this brothers care, they told him we took it but no, I refused to take that without his permission…you can tell which ones are his.
I stopped caring why this all happened years ago, I have tried to forgive the best I could but the hurt us still there. Uncle _ is gone now and I don’t know how to feel about this now; He took the truth to the grave and I’m just here like f… I want to see my cousins, but I don’t know what to say because of all of this…it’s been 21 years almost, our dads made mistakes, but we don’t have to live in their mistakes anymore.
In all this what I can say is thank God for my mom and her family, I wouldn’t be me without their support and dad’s. My dad was grateful for them too even if he’d never tell them.”

That is a very broad description. For 7 month my now dead uncle intercepted my phone messages left it the front desk of my dads retirement home, refused to give us his phone number, told us he’s too depressed for company, especially the last few months of his life. I get a phone call one day telling me he passed away in the hospital, his body just shut down. So me being the oldest met with my now dead uncle go over our attainments for the funeral which is now on me to finalize at 21. In walks my aunt, Love her, and she says her condolences and then she tells me that their kids were up there regularly and just saw him that week, she also said she wished his brother had made it to town to see him in time (all then others did). My uncles flashed her the most brutal look, she took a step back looking like WTF did I do and WTF are you hiding. She left a few mins later, no more conversation.

We arrive at my dads to pack his belongings at his boarded up house that he never made it home to and we see what was being hid; they took almost everything! His tool, workbenches, wood, record collection, and so much more all gone. When controlled they claim things were sold to pay off debt, but nothing was paid off, in fact the tools were a big part of the debt and magically disappeared. I found out they liked to my dad told him we took his records and someone robbed him. We talked to the HOA, no burglaries happened, and the alarm company confirmed it. I don’t know why I was disowned and shut out, but I’m sure it has something to do with him not wanting his kids too find out.

So there it is, my conundrum. I feel for my cousins, but don’t feel me attending that fucks life celebration is the place for me to reconnect. On top of that I need my aunt to tell them the truth, I need to talk to her. I don’t know what has been said about us, but I have heard things, I don’t want to walk in blind, and I don’t want to be hostile. What should I do?

My nephew was 3 months old at my dad’s funeral, my dad never got to see or meet him. A part of me blames my uncle for my dad’s death. Yes he was depressed, but my dad loved us and missed us and keeping him away didn’t help depression! He did with people who walked out his life regularly, but separated from those that loved him.

I FUCKING HATE MY DAD’S BROTHERS!

So now that their dad is dead they want us in their lives? My cousins, his kids, are way younger than me, but they have been adults for 15 years now and you never reached out? Do I want a reunion or just the truth known and to walk away? TBH I don’t know. My other cousins from other uncles are mostly older than me and don’t respond to me either. Really I don’t know what I want.

New Direction, New Vlog Help me decide

Hey guys, it’s been a long journey and a long time since I have posted. A lot has happened and, with the help of counseling, I have decided to move my life in a positive direction as I continue to heal. What does this mean? It means I am done hiding, done whining, tired of accepting things, and done being STUCK! I am done being trapped in my past and my emotions, and I am TIRED of Hiding!! So, starting now, I am planning trips and making changes and will begin to Vlog my adventures, journeys, and struggles as I start to enjoy life and continue to heal.

I can’t tell you how nervous I am as I plan my vlog, or how scared I am of people’s potential comments and reactions, but worse of all it’s scariest thinking of my family reading or hearing my inner most secrets; my anonymity is about to be lost. For that last fear I am unsure if I should start fresh or incorporate my previous posts and move this blog into the Vlog direction. What do you think?

My current task is to pick a Vlog name, please help me do this. My life adventures currently include working out on free weights (smith machine), waist training, cooking (learning new things), improving diet (hence learning new recipes), traveling both within and outside of my state, developing friendships, and healing myself. I will be disclosing my location and my name in this Blog and am open to using my name in the title/website, but an going to move to another state eventually so want something fun that fits it all no matter where I am.

Let me hear your thought!

What should I name the page?

Should I create a new page or convert this one?

Drowning, leave me alone

I’m losing myself. I’m lost in my emotions, my regrets, my sorrows, and other people. I know this and start therapy on Thursday, but I’m still hurt and sad and mad and jealous and lonely and unheard. If you care about someone wouldn’t you set yourself aside to give them what they need to heal?

A couple months ago my boyfriend saw me break down yet again over my relationship with my son and all the bs my bf puts me through and said to me I need a break and brought up him moving out for a bit, but I didn’t take him up on that then. Unfortunately his drug use and steeling my car to get high and his addict females that take my place while he’s off seeking his escape have gotten out of control and I am so turned off and mad and sick that I need away from him…from everyone. Want to know how fucked up things are? I got into his phone app and found pictures and videos of his high ass touching and Fucking nasty ass bitches raw, some in my fucking car!!

So he promised to move out when he got paid, was very understanding and respectful of my wishes and his fuck ups all that time, but on payday he decided I have to evict him. I am crushed and devastated. His reason? He doesn’t want to stay with his friends. Of course he doesn’t cuz he wants to get high and flop and he has too much respect for his friend to go to their house high. I am really starting to hate him. Why can’t I be selfish like him? Deadass, I sit here with an almost complete restraining order application and I can’t get myself to file it. I fucking care about him and don’t want shit to be like this.

I’m fucking pathetic and weak. I need to be alone, this isn’t me. I hate how I am now.

He may love me but this isn’t love.

Tired of hiding

I am tired of hiding! I am who I am, but different people know different versions of me. I hide my pain from my family, my closest friends know my struggles, my bf knows my pain, but here I hide my face so people who know me don’t see me. It’s time to stop hiding. It’s time to free me.

I think its time to change how I do this, how I heal, how I post, how I shine. I need to shine! I want to talk about sex, show my make up, give reviews, vent, talk freely, interact with people…maybe I should start a vlog? I think its time to evolve, both myself and my page.

I am an addict

I am an addict, I cannot deny it. Yeah I hide it, don’t always acknowledge it, hell sometimes u see it but don’t realize its my struggle.

It’s been about 15 years since the last time I used my drug of choice. Looking back those last few uses, though they were 1 time and to help me stay awake on the road, they were still relapse. Stimulants were my thing in high school/late teens. Caffeine pills mainly which I occasionally traded with other pills to stay up, not awake but high energy up. I tweaked so hard that in 3 months I lost 80 pounds. I smoked weed but it’s never really been a thing to me, take it or leave it, no craving for it though.

I am an addict, a sex addict. Yes, I AM. I struggle every day of my life with my sex addiction. I’ve never done a program or support group, just tried seeing limits and boundaries for myself once my son was born. I’ve been monogamous, single partner, for about 10 years, 5 years with a casual partner, 2 years celebat, and almost 3 years with my current love.

I am not doing well lately. My man is in active addiction, drugs, and using way too often now and we barely fuck and when we do I go unfulfilled. He has health issues which limit him to once a night, but we use to make it work for both of us, but drugs are ruining everything. It has been weeks, I cant even make myself cum like I need to anymore. I’m so frustrated! I dreamed last night that I fucked a random guy…this is a first for me in yeeears. I refuse to cheat, and though I may need to break up because his addiction is toxic, I refuse to dump him just so I can fuck someone else.

So here I sat tonight scrolling through sex addiction support groups. I finally found a telephone one and after an hour of struggling to get it to work (cell phone company charges/min) I downloaded Text Now and it worked!! I don’t know if the group I found is right for me, but tonight it really helped.

More to come as my journey continues.