I don’t know what to do, say, or act with this. A few days ago I get this text from my sister:
“(Our cousin) sent me this: We finalized plans for Dads celebration of life this week. It will be Saturday _ from _ at the (my uncles favorite) restaurant in _. I would like you guys to be there. Uncle _ will not be there. He’s having his hip replaced”
1st thing that hit me is the last 2 sentence “Uncle _ will not be there. He’s having his hip replaced.” My thought: so we are only being invited cuz he won’t be there. You may be thinking I’m overreacting, but that uncle has not only had nothing to do with us in almost 21 years, he and their dad kept our cousins from inviting us to weddings, funerals, and anything else. He is a racist fuck who won’t even look at a picture of my son, but beyond that I don’t know why he disowned me prior to getting pregnant.
My 2nd thought was how can I go to a celebration of life for someone who caused me soo much pain! This man was the only uncle on my dads side that my dad took us around on a somewhat regular basis. This man ended up walking out of your lives when we needed him most without any explanation then proceeded to hound and pressure his kids into blocking us and not taking to us. This was all too much for me, too many memories and pain. He did us soo wrong and all too cover his mistakes.
I ended up posting this late that night on facebook:
“Almost 21 years since my dads family disowned us, no reason or explanation just boom, dads gone and so is his family.
We were lied to the whole 7 months he was in the hospitals, kept from contacting him, told he was too depressed for company only to find out from Aunt _ (who didn’t know we were being kept from him) that the kids were up there often and even saw him around the week he passed, as did his bothers who made it up there saw him too. 21 years of hurt just to cover lies that they told my dad and us kids. My dad could have met his grandson! I know we weren’t perfect but that was my dad, we were close! Maybe it would have helped his depression to see or talk to us. Why would you lie and hurt us all like this?! Who cares that you sold all his stuff or kept it for yourself and told him we took it or that time you told him that his place was burglarised to cover what u took. Yes I have copies of this mental health files, these things were listed in the notes for various visits. Don’t believe me? I know he attempted suicide at the cabin, I also know one of this brothers took him to (town we grew up in) to get his service gun out of pawn where we kept it (he didn’t name the bro in the notes) and that brother “bought” it from him as payment for helping with the bills or whatever. I also know my dads record collection is in one of this brothers care, they told him we took it but no, I refused to take that without his permission…you can tell which ones are his.
I stopped caring why this all happened years ago, I have tried to forgive the best I could but the hurt us still there. Uncle _ is gone now and I don’t know how to feel about this now; He took the truth to the grave and I’m just here like f… I want to see my cousins, but I don’t know what to say because of all of this…it’s been 21 years almost, our dads made mistakes, but we don’t have to live in their mistakes anymore.
In all this what I can say is thank God for my mom and her family, I wouldn’t be me without their support and dad’s. My dad was grateful for them too even if he’d never tell them.”
That is a very broad description. For 7 month my now dead uncle intercepted my phone messages left it the front desk of my dads retirement home, refused to give us his phone number, told us he’s too depressed for company, especially the last few months of his life. I get a phone call one day telling me he passed away in the hospital, his body just shut down. So me being the oldest met with my now dead uncle go over our attainments for the funeral which is now on me to finalize at 21. In walks my aunt, Love her, and she says her condolences and then she tells me that their kids were up there regularly and just saw him that week, she also said she wished his brother had made it to town to see him in time (all then others did). My uncles flashed her the most brutal look, she took a step back looking like WTF did I do and WTF are you hiding. She left a few mins later, no more conversation.
We arrive at my dads to pack his belongings at his boarded up house that he never made it home to and we see what was being hid; they took almost everything! His tool, workbenches, wood, record collection, and so much more all gone. When controlled they claim things were sold to pay off debt, but nothing was paid off, in fact the tools were a big part of the debt and magically disappeared. I found out they liked to my dad told him we took his records and someone robbed him. We talked to the HOA, no burglaries happened, and the alarm company confirmed it. I don’t know why I was disowned and shut out, but I’m sure it has something to do with him not wanting his kids too find out.
So there it is, my conundrum. I feel for my cousins, but don’t feel me attending that fucks life celebration is the place for me to reconnect. On top of that I need my aunt to tell them the truth, I need to talk to her. I don’t know what has been said about us, but I have heard things, I don’t want to walk in blind, and I don’t want to be hostile. What should I do?
My nephew was 3 months old at my dad’s funeral, my dad never got to see or meet him. A part of me blames my uncle for my dad’s death. Yes he was depressed, but my dad loved us and missed us and keeping him away didn’t help depression! He did with people who walked out his life regularly, but separated from those that loved him.
I FUCKING HATE MY DAD’S BROTHERS!
So now that their dad is dead they want us in their lives? My cousins, his kids, are way younger than me, but they have been adults for 15 years now and you never reached out? Do I want a reunion or just the truth known and to walk away? TBH I don’t know. My other cousins from other uncles are mostly older than me and don’t respond to me either. Really I don’t know what I want.